11 Slightly effeminate things every man should own
Guys are notorious for being lazy unkempt pieces of shit. TV commercials and romantic comedies love to lay into this stereotype and portray guys as bumbling morons who are lucky to make it through the day given their inability to function as a proper adult.
While most guys aren’t actually incoherent jackasses, a lot of them don’t have their shit together, either. If TLC taught us anything in our childhood, it's that girls don't want no scrubs. Luckily in many cases, it's easy to pull yourself out of that lifestyle. Here are some classically feminine things that every guy should own. No one will judge you because you own these things. Get over yourself. These things will drastically improve your quality of life. Promise.
Also known as a “shower scrubber” to guys that won't even admit to owning a loofa. Loofas are absolutely necessary in 2016. What else are you going to use to shower with? A washcloth? It’s not 1910, we’ve advanced past miniature towels. Loofas are bar-none the best things to scrub your dirty ass in the shower. Some dudes we know don’t even use a washcloth in the shower. How is that possible? What are you doing in the shower, just rubbing a bar of soap all up in yo crack? That’s disgusting. Get some shower gel and a loofa.
Drinking wine out of an old plastic cup is about as classy as eating filet mignon in a public restroom. Yeah, it works, but you’re fucking everything up because you’re a cheap bastard. You don’t drink wine? So what, that classy lady you wanna hook-up with probably does. Wine glasses are literally, like, 2 dollars each. Buy 4 of them. Wow, a whole 8 bucks down the drain. You want to get really refined? Buy 4 red wine glasses and 4 white wine glasses. Damn. Obviously you’ll need a wine opener for this, but that was too obvious a must-have to even make this list.
Slowly guys have been catching on to the magic that is a nice moist butt wipe. Lately there have been some brands of butt wipes even marketed directly to dudes. Really though, there's no need to buy ones specifically intended for men. Babies have butts too, and baby wipes are like a tenth the cost. Butt wipes have many uses and are great for freshening up your area if you find yourself unexpectedly hooking up with someone back at your place post bar close. Also, who decided it was ever okay to just wipe poo off your body with dry paper and call it a day? That's gross as fuck. Butt wipes fo-eva!
If you don’t own at least one candle, you are a sociopath. That’s just a fact. Who doesn’t like candles? They smell great and put off good mood lighting. There aren't any downsides to owning and lighting candles in your place. You know who probably didn’t like candles? Jeffrey Dahmer. Don’t be like Jeffrey Dahmer. You can very easily find a scent that's not too overpowering and girly. Candles are also inexpensive, stop being a cheap ass.
Much like candles, everyone needs at least one plant. Plants can help freshen the air in your dank basement-level studio apartment and make things just look better overall. Plus they make great companions to talk to when you're lonely. They’re great listeners. After forgetting to water a few plants and accidentally killing them you’ll eventually get the hang of plant ownership. At least you cant hear a plant scream as it dies of dehydration.
Stuff on your walls
This is something most guys really fuck up. A lot of the rumors about guys being lazy are overblown, but the whole bachelor pad aesthetic is real. Girls absolutely crush on guys in the apartment decorating game. Guys, put some art on your walls. Preferably framed art, if applicable. It's extremely easy to do. Bank walls make your place look worse than a crack house. At least crack houses generally have some graffiti on the walls. Find some things you like and put it on your walls. It’s worth it.
Bro, you own a husky and are covered in 3 inch long white hair from head to toe. Everyone notices it. You look like you just got back from giving free haircuts to the elderly. Get a lint roller. You might not even need to use it very often. So what. They are 3 dollars. You'll be glad you have it when you want to wear that black Enrique Iglesias tour shirt that's covered in gold glitter.
Iron & ironing board
In the same vein as a the lint roller: own an iron and ironing board. Pulling clothes out of you hamper and re-wearing them is fine as a guy. However, iron those goddamn wrinkles out. Your pants have more peaks and valleys than the entire Himalayan Mountains. Ironing sucks a lot but it's better than looking like a walking topographic map.
Yes, you are correct. You cannot own a brunch — unless maybe you own a bed and breakfast. However, girls do it right when they go to brunch. Get some French toast or maybe a benedict and bottomless mimosas or Bloody Mary's. Guys haven’t really caught on to how incredible a weekend brunch is. It's amazing. Wake up hungover, go eat a huge booze-filled breakfast, go home and straight back to bed. It makes for the perfect Saturday morning ritual.
Every guy should own a vibrator. No, it isn’t for you if you don’t want it to be. Though, maybe you should consider that because those prostates aren’t going to tickle themselves. Owning a vibrator makes sex more fun for everyone involved. Sure, your dick probably works just fine, but that li'l guy doesn’t operate with multiple settings and pulse patterns.