14 Meandering current events that need to happen now before we lose our minds

14 Meandering current events that need to happen now before we lose our minds

PoliticsMarch 03, 2015

The world is a fickle place. Countries, leaders and dresses are running amok and it's time something happened. We can't handle the suspense anymore. Here is our list of things that need to happen in the short term before we lose our freakin' minds. 

1. North Korea needs to stop being a five year old and just bomb something before we bomb them 

We would never advocate warfare, but the decades of North Korea's incessant bomb threats, constant military ramp-ups and regularly-timed nuclear tests are getting to be too much. They're all bark, and no bite. We don't want to see anyone get hurt, but seriously, make a move if you're going to keep posturing or someone else will first.

Oh, and detonating bombs in the ocean doesn't count. Just because you mercilessly slaughtered some seaweed and ensured hundreds of years of fatal radiation poisoning for the other ocean species doesn't mean anyone's buying into your shit on the international affairs level. Go big or go home and stop doing so much meth.

2. Send everyone to Mars who wants to go to Mars

There's been a lot of debate lately about who gets to colonize Mars for Mars One. A total of 202,586 people applied to go, but only 24 people will actually get the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to board a one-way rocket to another planet. We say fuck it; send 'em all. If you want to go to Mars, see ya. It's getting super crowded in this hot tub anyway.

3. Kanye gets his own religion/state/universe

He's already got his own internet religion, cryptocurrency, street wear thing, music empire, and more influence than the President, so why not just give him his own state? He can have Texas, they're their own country anyway. Their state bird can be a pigeon because pigeons are always interrupting everything and also super annoying.

4. Weed. Just legalize it already.

At this point, we all know it's going to happen. The only obstacle keeping weed from getting legalized in all 50 states is a decades-long intricate dance of legal foreplay and bureaucratic red tape that has so be sliced through. But enough with the senator ass-kissing and puritanical value massagery; we can make billions in tax revenue off legal weed, and the sooner we kick off the process, the sooner we can start, you know, paying teachers and firemen and stuff ... and more importantly, the more money there'll be to fund the penny eradication movement. This cannabis cock-tease has gone on long enough.

5. Highway 36 construction

For years, Colorado's government has been telling us they'd widen Highway 36. Then, for years, they widened it. And widened it. And are still widening it. Is the highway like time? Infinite and expansive and relative? These days, it seems like less of a highway between Boulder and Denver and more of an asphalt metaphor for eternity.

6. Tell us what the fuck is under DIA. TELL US!

Is it a troglodyte kingdom? Is it a CIA laboratory? Is it the world's biggest SuperTarget? Why are there posters of dead flowers and children on the walls?  Is the horse a functional monument that signals alien to an underground landing site? Where are we?

We don't care what's under there, we just can't take the secrecy anymore. Just tell us what's down there ... or we're going to have to ride the train past Terminal C to find out.

7. Male birth control

We're so sick of condoms, you guys ...

8. Fucking not-winter

Yeah, we get that the seasons are dictated by the angle of earth as it revolves around the sun, but maybe it could revolve a little faster, because this nuclear winter is making our hair staticky and also killing people.

9. A chain of Arizona airport hair salons called Hairzona Hairport

Whoa, how did this one get in here? Investors, please email all inquiries to contact@therooster.com.

10. A porn parody of "The Dress"

Insert joke about how it doesn't matter if you're colorblind when you're in the dark here,  _______.

11. Gay marriage

Everyone in this wonderful country should be subjected to the same excruciating marital struggles as everyone else, and that's that.

12. Viable penis enlargement

Asking for a friend ...

13. Downgrading streaking and public urination to a misdemeanor, not sex offender status

Also asking for a friend ...

14. Anti-hangover pills

How is it possible that we can cure disease and genetically modify creation but we can't figure out how to not throw up from vodka? Our days of drinking recklessly are nearing an end, and we'd really like to just have one night where we can take a pill and not wake up undead in a spirit realm the next morning.