3 Necessary facts to know about Canada if you still plan on moving there this November

3 Necessary facts to know about Canada if you still plan on moving there this November

PoliticsSeptember 22, 2016 By Ethan Desmond

We've already discussed in length about how moving to Canada if Trump wins is a complete farce. Hell, Canadians barely like having us as their neighbor. Surely they don't want us as their citizens. 

Even still, more and more, you hear about how Canada is so much better than America from people, and how they're making the move if Trump gets his finely-tanned self into the Oval Office.

But before you make the move to America's attic, take these things into consideration. 

1) Quebec is to maple syrup as Medellín is to cocaine:

When you think of Canada, you probably think about moose, hilarious Mounties riding said moose and maple syrup.

But I bet you didn't know one Canadian city has a monopoly over 71 percent of the entire world's maple syrup industry, and they will sue you if you try and step in on their business. The now infamous Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers is like a cartel, but for maple syrup.

When Pablo Escobar started the Medellín Cartel in 1972, he banded together other small-time cocaine producers and distributes from his home town to create a monopoly on the industry. That is essentially what happened in Quebec in the 60s, when the federal government of Canada gave exclusive rights to the sale, production, and even pricing of maple syrup to the maple mob.

Imagine if the Columbian government went to Escobar and gave him the exclusive rights to not only export cocaine, but being able to charge whatever he wanted and if anyone tried to undermine him, the government would put competitors out of business.

That's what the Canadian government is doing, they are forcing small-time maple syrup producers to hand over all of their products to the Federation. So think twice about starting your mom and pop maple syrup business when you move.

Speaking of maple syrup ...

2) Canada's money smells like syrup, and will melt if it gets too hot:

Lets say you find a way to make legitimate money in Canada that doesn't involve stepping on the turf of the maple syrup cartel. On your way to the bank, you notice something odd about your newly-earned cash — it smells like syrup. All the bills are sticking together. And some have started melting.

This isn't some cruel joke from the god of maple syrup, this a real problem faced by Canadians following their switch to polymer based currency back in 2011. 

Ever since Canada moved to a more sustainable form of money, Canadians have been reporting a sugary-sweet aroma coming from their money. They've also reported some bills sticking together and melting if they get too hot.

So if you make it in Canada and start a lucrative business, you still may not be able to make it to the bank without all that money melting in your pocket.

3) Bestiality, to an extent, is legal:

Imagine you're relaxing in a new Canadian apartment, enjoying government healthcare and cartel brand maple syrup when you notice someone in the neighboring building lathering themselves with peanut butter in front of their dog. Disgusted to see where this might go, you rush to the phone and call your local Mountie station.

Unfortunately for you — and the animals of Canada — there's nothing illegal about receiving sexual pleasure from an animal, as long as penetration isn't involved.

Sounds gross? We agree, and we're not saying Canadians everywhere are doing this. We're just keeping you informed before you move you and your pets to Canada.

Don't get us wrong, Canada is a beautiful place, but they have plenty of their own problems, and moving there just because you don't like a political candidate isn't going to help people on either side of the border. So stop complaining and do something here to help better our home, because the last thing Canada needs is a bunch of Americans screwing up their country and trying to move in on the maple trade.