6 Ways to get high legally like the law-abiding patriot your dad wishes you were

6 Ways to get high legally like the law-abiding patriot your dad wishes you were

VicesJuly 26, 2017

With marijuana now legal in the many states around the nation, we felt that investigating other mind-altering substances that on the market wouldn't be such a bad idea. Although we know how responsible all of you beautiful boys and girls are, we must note (by a direct order from our lawyers), that all of these substances can be dangerous. None of them should be consumed, ever.

But just in case you want to know more about them, for research purposes or whatever ...

>> Legal Cocaine/Ecstasy

What is it? Thanks to the gypsy magic also known as the Internet, you can now legally purchase cocaine and ecstasy substitutes from the web. With the legitimacy of a person wearing Crocs un-ironically, websites such as XTZpartypills.com and legal-cocaine.com offer you the chance to do these drugs legally. How does this work? According the legal-cocaine.com website: “Though these drugs emulate the effects of some street drugs, they contain only natural, non-restricted herbal ingredients.” There comes the appropriate question of what’s in the pill? Legal cocaine’s answer? “Only natural ingredients that have been used in herbal products for centuries.” All you really need to know about these drug substitutes is that they are not regulated in any way and, therefore, your guess is as good as theirs as to what you are taking.

The high: To quote “Steve” from a legal-cocaine.com testimonial, “I thought I would let you guys know tha this is some gooood shit. I had a double dose last night at 10 and I’m still rocking the house, got some step pumping on Youtube and still not even close to feeling like going to bed, lol.” There you have it guys, if you are looking to get some step pumping on Youtube, look no further.
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>> Kratom

What is it? Move over lady boys, we’ve just found our new favorite Thailand export. Kratom, or “Mitragyna Speciosa,” is a leafy tree grown in Southeast Asia with properties similar to everyday coffee plants. Like all good drugs, Kratom has been used by its local indigenous populations for hundreds of years as an herbal medicine. We’re not anthropologists, but clearly the indigenous people of the South Pacific liked getting stoned. Depending on the dosage, Kratom can either have a depressant or stimulant effect, making it one of the more unique substances out there. Knowing you probably just spat out your coffee in utter disbelief at the depressant/stimulant contradiction, there’s an explanation. Kratom actually features the naturally occurring chemical ingredients of mitragynine, mitraphylline and 7-hydroxymitragynine, which creates this unique effect.

The high: Depending on the dosage you take, Kratom can give you all sorts of effects, including but not limited to: “Simultaneous stimulation and sedation, feelings of empathy, feelings of euphoria, horniness, vivid waking dreams, dizziness, nausea and/or vomiting, mild depression during and/or after, and a hangover similar to alcohol.” As described by one user, “I was feeling a very intense euphoria. I couldn’t believe that I’d had such a wonderful plant just sitting in my drawer for several months without having tried it. I began floating in and out of waking dreams, the ‘nod,’ whatever you want to call it, where you’re not really asleep but you still see dreamlets and dream fragments floating before your eyes. This goes on for quite some time.” If that description didn’t close the deal, we also learned that Kratom is commonly used to prevent diarrhea. Sold.
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>> Morning Glory Seeds

What is it? Found growing in most gardens, the morning glory plant (ipomoea violacea) contains lysergic acid amid. For all of you non chemists out there, LSA is the non-synthetic, natural version of LSD. If you don’t know what LSD is, then you should talk to your parents before reading this article. Morning glory is a vine plant with heart-shaped leaves and small, black seeds, which unbeknownst to most, are a first-class ticket to space. Used widely throughout central and southern Mexico, morning glory seeds await at your nearest garden store. Costing about $20 per pound, these seeds are the first step of any budding cosmonaut.

The high:  Beloved by Aztecs for their psychedelic properties, 16-century Spanish colonizers reported extensively about the divine nature of the seeds. Basically, these seeds have let people trip balls for centuries. Taken orally and with the right dose (roughly 100 seeds), morning glory can give you a psychedelic trip lasting about six to 10 hours. Users praise morning glory seeds for altering their sense of reality and offering a heightened sense of awareness with regards to textures, colors and sounds. While that may sound amazing, morning glory has effects on the opposite side of the spectrum as well. It can cause your mood to change in the opposite direction, moving you from ecstatic to straight-up miserable and depressed. Users also report nausea and vomiting after ingesting a few too many of these psychedelic seeds. One more note of warning; these are often covered in pesticides to discourage ingestion. Ingesting pesticides isn’t good for anyone.
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>> Salvia

What is it? Remember that video of Miley Cyrus taking a bong rip? She was smoking salvia. Made from the dried up leaves of the salvia divinorum plant, this hallucinogenic drug can be found at any of your local neighborhood head shops. While most avid drug users dismiss it because of its legal status, salvia is one drug not to underestimate. Containing the powerful hallucinogenic “salvinorin A,” most people see the drug as the means to embark on an epic vision quest rather than a party enhancer. Regardless of what you use it for, get ready for the experience of a lifetime.

The high: Used in ancient Mexican rituals for generations, salvia has often been described as a stronger acid, albeit a shorter trip (around five to 10 minutes long). While most smoke the drug, its traditional forms of administration are by boiling it in a tea or chewing on its crushed leaves. One firsthand account from UK science magazine New Scientist described the effects as “a consciousness-expanding journey unlike any other I have ever experienced. My body felt disconnected from ‘me’ and objects, and people appeared cartoonish, surreal and marvelous.”
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>> Nutmeg

What is it? That’s right: that simple, brown powder you put in your eggnog every Christmas can get you high, really high. Basically, freshly ground nutmeg has a naturally occurring chemical called “myristicin” in it, which is a type of monoamine oxidase inhibitor often used by doctors to treat depression. “Myristicin” also happens to be an amazing psychoactive deliriant. Unfortunately, sprinkling a little nutmeg on your morning coffee won’t do much, but if you want to do it right, 12 teaspoons or more will typically do the trick. That is, if you can swallow 12 teaspoons of Christmas’ magic powder.

The high: While not as potent as its psychoactive brothers and sisters, ingesting enough nutmeg will produce a mild hallucinogenic trip for you and your dumb friends. Although the effects have been reported to vary from person to person, the most common effects of nutmeg include general excitement, visual hallucinations, headaches, nausea and dizziness, convulsions and palpitations, indicating either the beginning of a great trip or the onslaught of a horrible experience. Unlike its psychoactive counterparts, the effects of nutmeg are delayed hours after ingesting it. These effects have been reported as lasting as long as several days, so make sure your Pink Floyd playlist is appropriately timed.
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>> Kava Kava

What is it? The kava plant is a herb indigenous to the western Pacific Islands (Fiji, Tonga, etc.), and among other things, it gets you high. Kava’s principle ingredient is kavalactone, a mild anesthetic very similar to benzodiazepine, the always-popular muscle relaxant. Commonly found at places like GNC, Whole Foods and Walgreens, the kava plant has been consumed by Polynesians for generations as a relaxing sedative (think marijuana without the mind high). The drug is so popular among island nations that a beverage version has recently been released in Fiji marketing itself as the “anti-energy drink.” It also comes in drops you can put in any beverage.

Don’t get too excited though, recent reports suggest kava may be responsible for intense liver damage. But so is alcohol, so we think you’re good, and we stayed at a Holiday Inn last night.

The high: As mentioned already, kava is taken to relax. However, unlike marijuana and alcohol, kava consumption does not alter your mental capacity at all as its effects are purely physiological. Expect some numbing of the tongue and throat as far as effects you notice immediately. Otherwise most people enjoy the same physical, emotional and psychological effects of marijuana without an actual high: reduced tension, improved stress responses and greater overall social comfort.