7 Reasons why Bill Clinton would be the best little First Lady ever

7 Reasons why Bill Clinton would be the best little First Lady ever

PoliticsSeptember 13, 2016 By Isabelle Kohn

It's unclear whether Bill and Hillary still switch positions in the bedroom, but there's no doubt that switching positions in the White House would shake things up. And although our Hillary Clinton feelings are still murky and undecided, one thing's for sure: we wouldn't mind seeing her hot, silky-smooth husband Bubba back in the White House as the nation's first-ever male First Lady.

We mean, come on. The guy was a boss. Not only did he lead our nation to economic surplus and the most stable, progressive social environment it had seen in years, he also awakened our sexuality, made us laugh and serenaded us with smooth saxophone tunes while wearing sunglasses. And he had a cat on a leash named Socks. Socks!

But while he certainly wouldn't be making any of the heavy-duty, country-running decisions his wife Hillary would, we think he'd do wonderfully filling her old shoes as the more domestic member of the pair.

Traditionally, the role of the First Lady is "hostess of the White House." She organizes and attends events, advocates for lighter social issues like obese children and, like, picks out Easter Eggs ... all things we think Bill Clinton would acclimate to beautifully.

Here are a few things we think he'd really bring to the First Lady table:

1. He'll teach the nation about dry cleaning

Dry cleaning. What's up with that?

Well, wonder no more because no one knows more about the importance of a dandy dry clean than our nation's 42nd President, Bill Clinton. He could launch a national stain-removal initiative to make sure all bodily fluids and other incriminating grime is completely removed from garments before they're worn. It's a tough subject to tackle, but we personally would love to know how to get cake icing stains off our blue work dresses.

2. Relaxing sax serenades

The State of the Union addresses are always tense times, but wouldn't they be easier to take if the crowd was warmed up a little? Perhaps by a dashing older gentleman with sensual hands wielding a saxophone that he plays like angel? We can picture it now; before Hillary comes in to deliver the usual "everything's fucked" spiel, Bill gently eases us into a de-stressed lullaby with his own personal rendition of "Careless Whisper" by George Michael/ WHAM!

Plus, with the massive loss in workplace productivity that stress brings, Bill's sexy sax solos could be just what this country needs to calm down and relax into a more meditative state.

3. He'd re-define the living hell out of gender roles

The whole "stay-at-home Dad" thing is hot. So hot. But Bill Clinton as First Lady would give the movement just the teensy push of momentum it needs to shift America's tired-old beliefs about gender roles into new territory. Maybe the woman can be the moneymaker. Maybe the man can plan and execute a Hawaiian tiki-themed dinner party with the right napkins. Maybe paternity leave does need to be a mandatory part of hiring contracts. Maybe men and women do deserve to be paid equally. See where we're going with this? First Lady Bill just proves men and women are interchangable in whatever roles they chose to take on.

Fuck, men can even give birth now. The future is genderless. The future is Slick Willy.

4. He might be called "First Guy" or "First President Dude"

Since there's never been a male First Lady, there's no precedent on what to call him. It's even more confusing because people still call retired Presidents "Mr. President." So basically at this point, you can call him whatever you want.

"First President Man." "Big Guy." "Primary Bill." There are no rules! Weee!

5. He could secretly funnel Hillary hints about not-debt

Bill Bil Billie Bill presided over a nation who was not in trillions of dollars of debt; rather, it was swimming in surplus cash. Clearly, the man knows a thing or 17 million about that, and he could backseat drive Hillary's economic policies all the way to a zero balance.

6. He understands a good cigar

This is in no way a reference to the true rumor that Monica Lewinsky masturbated with a cigar while Bill Clinton watched and also masturbated, or how awesome that is sex-wise.

It's just really important that we have someone who understands dignified quality in a leisure device, you guys. And, with American relations with Cuba on the up-and-up, it's essential we have leadership who can talk shop with them on their more well-known exports.

Plus, he doesn't even inhale and that's just good role-modeling.

7. He'd never lie

Bill Clinton is about as honest a politician/ politician's husband as they come, so we feel pretty comfortable knowing he's not lying to us when he says the White House drapes are a fucking abomination of sight. He has zero motivation for decorum when it comes to decor, so we can depend on his honesty on important matters like revealing that the East Wing looks like an American Furniture Warehouse threw up on a Pier 1 Imports and from the mess a hybridized shit house was born. Harsh, but true. 

8. Just look at this picture and tell us you do not want this man picking out White House china

Four more years of that? Just tell us where to sign ...