Dear Ibby, I want to have hot anger-sex with my partner, but we don't fight. How?

Dear Ibby, I want to have hot anger-sex with my partner, but we don't fight. How?

SexSeptember 18, 2017 By Isabelle Kohn

Full Question:

Dear Ibby, I really want to have hot, angry, fight sex with my partner like Mr. and Mrs. Smith style, but ... we don't fight. We just calmly acknowledge problems and move on. We get along really well in that sense. There's never any passionate arguing or fighting that's intense enough to lead towards that explosive feeling. How do I get them to fuck me in that way?

Well, I'd definitely stay away from actually trying to piss them off to the point where you think angry sex could be a possibility. From your question, it doesn't seem like either of you work that way. Clearly you have a healthy, adaptive and mutual approach to problem solving and communication that seems to be working for you as a couple. I wouldn't adulterate that with a form of fighting (passionate yelling) that doesn't feel natural to you just so you can have heavy-breathing sex where you push a vase off the counter or ... something. Not worth it.

Instead, I'd use that calm and fluid communication style you share to talk about how you can have angry sex in a way that works for your particular dynamic.

See, angry sex isn't hot because you're fighting about a problem in your relationship (just like Mr. and Mrs. Smith wasn't panty-dropping because they were having marital problems stemming from a lack of honesty).

Rather, it's hot because it overtakes you. It's spontaneous and surprising; animalistic and raw. For a moment, you can't control yourself. It makes you throw each other against walls and rip each other's clothes off and shit. It's physically and emotionally cathartic.

But, there's nothing in the manual that says you need to get to that place by being pissed at each other. You can get to the exact same place of heightened emotions and physical rawness by being pissed at something completely unrelated to your partner.

So, channel that desire for adrenalized fucking through something else that infuriates you. It can be a person, a situation, a memory, an injustice; anything. Finding something shouldn't be hard — inspiration for anger is everywhere these days, from the current political climate, to the destruction of our environment, to how every time you walk by your roommates dog it barks at you because it thinks you're a bad person, to the fact that some people legitimately think seafood and dairy is a good combination of flavors (FUCK YOU, CALIFORNIA ROLLS).

There. Got that thing? Thinking of it right now? Good.

Here's what I'd do.

First, make your partner aware of your desire for anger sex — you don't want to attack them out of what seems like nowhere without their knowledge or consent. You want their their enthusiastic consent to engage in this type of play, or it could be physically or emotionally harmful and you'll have to do what you two do best: have a hushed, gentle and egalitarian discussion over a cup of chamomile tea in order to move past it.

If they're cool with it, talk about what sorts of impassioned expression of physicality you're both okay with. What are some comfortable and consensual ways to express your anger? Maybe it's pushing each other against the wall. Maybe it's shoving everything off your desk onto the floor and fucking in the rubble. Maybe it's raking each other with your fingernails, or biting each other to the point where a brilliant little row of tooth marks appears. If you're more more advanced, maybe it's slapping, hitting or choking each other in a safe way that allows you to work through your anger physically, yet consensually. Whatever works for both of you — I ain't judgin'.

Do come up with a safe word or a non-verbal safe word (like a certain hand gesture, for example) that you can use to stop things if they get too heated, though.

Then, when you're ready to do the thing, think of that one thing that really fucking pisses you off. What makes you want to flip a table? Or punch the wall?

Really feel that anger. Let yourself get worked up by it. Allow any emotions that come up, and any physical expressions of these, to come to the surface.

Now, turn that passion on your partner. Make believe that whatever problem that's enraging you can be solved by you two fucking; as if the force of your passion could say, impeach Donald Trump or show your horrible boss she's a mongoloid douche-hole who doesn't appreciate all the mediocre work you do. Imagine that each thrust or deep, desperate kiss brings you one step closer to not having that infuriating thing in your life. Greeeat.

Another thing you can try, if you're into roleplay, is being "pretend mad" at each other. Whatever form this takes is up to you, but you could always get into a consensual, pre-negotiated screaming match about some false problems you're having. If you go this route, try to chose things that don't actually need to be discussed in that moment, or that won't actually hurt the other person either because they're not real or because they're too innocuous to cause actual emotional harm.

Yelling "You never walk the fucking dog!" as you push your partner up against a wall can be pretty funny/ hot when you don't have a dog, for example.

Putting on some music that mirrors your anger can really help build the mood, too. Lots of times, we see anger sex depicted in the media as this cinematic explosion of passion, and there's always some super intense music to make it feel more clawing and raw. Playing some music of your own can connect you to the concept of anger sex you're used to seeing and make it feel more real.

When you're done, practice good after-care by talking about what just happened with your partner. Let them in on what you were imagining, and debrief on how you're feeling physically and emotionally. Anytime you fuck with great passion, especially in a way that's rougher like with anger sex, it's good to connect and communicate afterwards so you both know that all that anger was just in the safe context of a sexual fantasy and that's it.

Alright, bye.