Fuck the Electoral College. And the Senate, too.

Fuck the Electoral College. And the Senate, too.

PoliticsNovember 10, 2016 By Reilly Capps

Hillary Clinton acts like a robot Illuminati space lizard and Americans voted for her anyway. She won the popular vote by 300,000 ballots. But we're getting President Orange Slumlord Mussolini because of the Electoral College instead.

Here's the Electoral College, which is neither electoral nor a college, explained. Back in the day, after America kicked King George III in his royal jewels, the founding fathers set it up to be intentionally un-democratic. They thought the mob would pick idiots and demagogues (they nailed that one this year) so they assigned a system that consists of a professional group to actually pick the president.

Some people, myself included, still want the Electoral College to do that old job. Petitions are currently circulating online asking the Electoral College, which is meeting in late December, to pick Clinton instead of Trump. 

That should happen. We voted for her. But we still ought to burn the Electoral College to the ground, just like we burned the parts of the Constitution about blacks counting as 3/5ths of a human being. Two times in the last five elections, the candidate more people voted for — Al Gore and Hillary Clinton, respectively — lost. Based on this, our democracy seems to work only 60 percent of the time. Forty percent of the time, it catches on fire like a Samsung Galaxy thrown into a Nitroglycerine factory.

Why do we put up with this this antiquated system? Are we just lazy assholes, staring into our iPhones and Xboxes? There's a perfectly reasonable and achievable solution to take its place, called National Popular Vote. It would create an agreement among states to ignore the Electoral College and give their electors to whoever wins the popular vote. It's a bill that has passed in Georgia, Arizona, Oklahoma, New York and Colorado. Even Newt Gingrich, President-elect Trump's possible new secretary of state, endorsed it.

But we're too lazy to fight for that, aren't we? Because Westworld is so good?

And fuck the Senate, too. In the Senate, every state gets two senators. So the state of North Dakota, so barren and stupid no foreign country would ever bother to bomb it, gets two representatives, same as New York. A Wyoming resident has 65 times more representation in the Senate than a Californian. What the goddamn fuck, George Washington?

Full disclosure: I'm arguing for this change even though I'm a resident of Colorado, which means my vote has almost eight times as much power in the Senate as a Californian. I'm willing to give up some of my power because that's how adults think: we all get the same size slice of birthday cake.

"One person, one vote" is a basic and understandable concept. That's democracy. But in the Senate, the fact is "one person, anywhere from the equivalent of one to 65 votes, depending on which side of some imaginary line you live on." And in the Electoral College, the concept is "one person ... who knows? It depends on the year. This year, the votes counted more in Wisconsin and Michigan. Usually it's Ohio and Florida." 

I have friends who are hopeful that, during the next four year term things are going to change. I hope they're right. If the inauguration of President Racist Orange Tire Fire doesn't psyche us up to do something — like demolishing the un-democratic parts of our democracy — then we should all just go bury our faces in ant hills. It would be more painful than a Trump presidency, but it all would be over much sooner.

Enough of the Electoral College. Enough of the Senate. We didn't tell George III to buzz off just to punch ourselves in the nuts, did we?