How to date in 2018, because life is fucking complicated

How to date in 2018, because life is fucking complicated

CultureFebruary 12, 2018

Swipe right, left, up, down! It's too much. If you're stuck between a rock and your hard place, heed these following tips on getting the most out of dating in 2018.

Strangers Only
People on the bus, in line at the grocery store, at the library reading your favorite author or at a friend’s house deep in a Cards Against Humanity marathon are hereby considered off limits for romantic endeavors. In the new era, it’s preferred to only show the millions of Instagram users worldwide what you look like in your underwear. 

Avoid Eye Contact
It used to be that intimate connections were made over dinner and drinks, completely devoid of outside distractions. But in 2018, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Instead of holding hands at the table, stay on your phone the entire time a relationship is beginning to blossom while telling all 137 “friends” about it through Snaps, posts and passive aggressive opinions about the bars’ patrons.

Say Nothing
It’s uncomfortably close to the 2020s and what that means for human interaction is basically everything you say is going to piss someone off to the point of them totally blogging about it. To subvert any kind of romantic complications, say nothing. Not a word. People will still be uncomfortable with your dopey haircut, but at least you won’t have to go on the full defensive about it.

Screw It, Sex Robot
If this is all too difficult, maybe consider a sex robot. You know, those things that are exactly like mannequins you’ve always been attracted to but have always been too afraid to admit? (S’up “Linda,” aisle 5 of Walmart Arvada modeling the revealing SPANX?) Ladies, don’t fret, according to the CEO of Realbotix, a male robot with a bionic penis that’s “better than a vibrator” is coming soon.