How Trump's G20 deals could really fuck up your next happy hour

How Trump's G20 deals could really fuck up your next happy hour

VicesJuly 10, 2017 By Isabelle Kohn

For many of us, it's easy to feel as though the theater of global politics is an intangible thing. Could a group of people in pant suits three continents away, making decisions about such-and-such trade deals actually have a real, trickle-down effect on your special little snowflake life?

Usually, the answer is no. But, thanks to Donald Trump's recently-revealed plans for trade restrictions with the European Union at the G20 Summit, it definitely will ... and in the most hard-hitting, gut-wrenching place possible: your local happy hour.

See, Trump's scheme to impose domestic restrictions on European steel companies and stop them from out-selling American ones at artificially low prices didn't go over so well with the EU, who announced via Twitter that they were in an "elevated battle mood" over the issue and would be willing to react with a counter-attack at any given moment.

Their counter attack would straight for the jugular: you mess with our steel, we mess with your whiskey.

The EU is proposing import restrictions on U.S. agricultural products, but it's particularly focused on bourbon whiskey, our country's life blood that isn't Red Bull or Dunkin' Donuts "coffee." They're doing this not only because it would devastate the international drunk community if brands like Jack Daniel's and Kentucky Deluxe were off the market, but because the political and social impacts of this would actually be quite far-reaching. Bourbon is actually one of Kentucky's main exports, and Kentucky is, as you may know, the home state of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R). What's more, is that data from last year reveals that Europe loves American whiskey — exports of bourbon, Tennessee whiskey, and rye whiskey to our supposed buddies in the U.K. and Germany have more than doubled in the past decade, from $743 million in 2005 to a projected $1.56 billion last year. Restricting imports of the fine cocktail nectar would not only cut them off from their precious, but it would inflate the price of it stateside — we'd have to pay more for it in order to pick up the slack.

The EU is missing something in their grand scheme, though. They think America runs on whiskey, but little do they know that Mike's Hard Lemonade, Hulk-grade bathtub moonshine and Four Loko are our real drinks of choice. They don't call us "the shittiest nation of trashy one-star people" for nothin.'

Only seasoned mixologists and cocktail connoisseurs would be truly be affected should Trump's trade deals spark some sort of international cockfight — their Negronis and Manhattans may be in short supply.

But, for the rest of us, Zima will do, pig.

Zima will do.