I went and got a breast milk facial and am now 100 times more gorgeous than before
In the interest of true, rock-solid investigative journalism, I recently went and got a breast milk facial at Mud Facial Bar in Boulder, Colo. Yes, it was exactly what it sounds like. I had my face covered in human breast milk.
And it was amazing.
While I’m no beauty expert or skin care aficionado, I can get down with feeling extra fancy from time to time. Typically, my kind of getting spoiled involves buying booze that comes in real glass bottles instead of the plastic “shatterproof” alternative — or splurging on guacamole at Chipotle. You know, really high-end stuff. Getting a breast milk facial is certainly a few notches above those luxuries on the scale.
Two things really got me interested in the breast milk facial: First, I’ve always wanted to try the whole spa thing out. Second, I was really into breast milk when I was a baby. I’m pretty sure it was the only thing I consumed for, like, the first 6 months of my life. So I figured a breast milk facial would be a nice nostalgic experience and a nod to my rapidly dissolving youth.
Breast milk skin treatments are increasingly growing in popularity because human breast milk is basically natural magic. It's extremely nutrient dense and has all kinds of things that babies need to survive on an all-liquid diet. These breast milk super powers make it excellent for skin care, too.
Proponents of breast milk skin care say it rejuvenates the skin while cleaning out pores, all while tightening up worn out skin. People are using it as a natural treatment for acne and treating scars, as well. To boot, even though breast milk is obviously milk its vegan.
I was admittedly a little freaked out at the idea of covering my face with a stranger’s milk. Like, who is just giving up their breast milk for people to rub on their face?
Mud gets their breast milk from moms that eat an all organic vegan diet, so in terms of quality, the milk is about as good as it can get. Straight grass fed mom.
When you get the facial, they don’t jump straight into slathering the goo on your face. The whole thing is a 5-step process. First they cleanse your skin and spray your face with steam. Then they exfoliate the skin with a tingly green tea face scrub. Then comes the breast milk.
Going into this facial, I was worried that they would just dunk my head in a vat and call it a day. While that would have been hilarious, that’s not how it goes down. They mix the breast milk with white clay, which makes for a thicker mask so it doesn't run down your face.
Once everything was covered in paste, the specialist who was doing my facial, Nadia, took these really cold glass balls and rubbed the mixture in. Yeah, so not only was I getting a facial, but I was having balls rubbed all over my face like masculine 25-year-olds do.
The cold glass and the cool milk mixture is a crazy combo. If you were to take a club drug and get this facial, you would have the best time of your life. Not that you should go and do that, but honestly, no rave is going to make you feel this good. They rub the mixture for about 10 minutes. Crazy relaxing. I actually almost fell asleep because I was so mellowed out. It was fantastic. I really didn’t want them to stop. Who woulda thought?
After a good ball rub down, the goo is removed, completing the only breast milk facial in Colorado. The whole thing takes about 30-minutes, but I would have had no problem if it lasted closer to 60.
Like I said before, I know as much about skincare as a giraffe knows about the Venezuelan debt crisis. With that being said, the breast milk facial obviously worked. I'm gorgeous.
My skin still feels ridiculously fresh and clean. You know how a mouth feels after going to the dentist? This was like that but better, because I was glowing like a Lite-Brite under a Christmas tree. When I was walking home from Mud, I sensed every passersby basking in the glory of my newfound dermal radiance. I truly felt like a superhero with all those breast milk nutrients absorbed into my skin.
Breast milk facials are amazing and are not nearly as gross as they sound. Actually, they aren’t gross at all. They're amazing. Two thumbs up for breast milk facials.