The mental gymnastics people went through preparing for a threesome

The mental gymnastics people went through preparing for a threesome

SexDecember 07, 2017 By Kylie Weinmeister

Hannah Brown is an attractive mid-twenty-something with thick, black hair cropped at her chin and stunningly blue eyes. She has a love affair with dresses and is always gushing how easy and cute they are. She's wearing a yellow sundress under a floral cardigan when we speak to her about threesomes. Over the past few years, she and her boyfriends have had multiple encounters with other people that qualifies as group-sex. The act itself, she says, has always benefited her relationships by strengthening their bond or simply acting out on fantasies they both had.

But the mental gymnastics to get to that point, Brown admits, isn’t as easy as grabbing a stranger and heading directly to the bedroom. 

“My first I was pretty drunk at a college friend’s party,” she says. “I had talked to this guy a couple of times before this and we wound up hooking up with another guy.” 

It was her first foray into the world of threesomes. 

“I figured out that I liked (threesomes),” she says of the impulsive encounter. “But I also didn’t really see those guys after that. It was just a good time.” 

Threesomes have long been a staple of porn, wayward fantasies and college parties across America — and for good reason. According to many surveys, it’s one of the most popular sexual fantasies in the world. 

And statistics about them lie exactly where most people would expect: guys are more likely to want threesomes and women are more likely to be jealous, even with two guys and themselves

Yet they're beginning to take many different forms as more and more become open about their sexualities: two girls and a guy, two guys and a girl, three girls or three guys and many other colorful variations depending on what part of the spectrum people are choosing to identify themselves with. 

Brown says hers have happened both when she was single and involved with someone of the opposite sex —two while she was in a relationship and another (her first) outside of one.

For her, she says communication is one of the biggest components to ensure a successful threesome. It’s a facet Tony (last name withheld) agrees with. Tony is a broad, muscular guy with messy dark spikes and tan skin. His left arm is almost covered in tattoos, a sleeve he says he's been working on for about two years. He often wears Harry Potter style glasses and dark wash jeans with a wrinkly gray t-shirt. Though he enjoyed pulling in a third person to the bedroom with his girlfriend of a year-and-a-half, his didn’t go exactly according to plan. When it finally happened, things quickly devolved. 

“We didn’t talk about it a lot beforehand,” he readily admits. ”It was a fantasy that we kind of mentioned in the bedroom, but we didn’t really nail down specifics. I wish we had, because my girlfriend got really jealous and it was one of the reasons we broke up.” 

Brown recommends discussing the type of threesome you’ll have, who it will be with and what to do after it’s over. Tony agrees, adding that couples should discuss what is and isn’t okay in the bedroom and what is and isn’t okay with whom. 

It’s also a good idea for everyone to discuss whether anal, oral, penetration and all the other mechanics of the encounter will be allowed. Be especially concerned with any bisexual acts that may or may not take place, Tony adds, so that no one is left feeling pressured in the heat of the moment. 

“Both partners need to be really into it in a relationship,” he says. “It was more my fantasy than (my girlfriend’s) and she felt like she was pushed into doing bisexual acts she wasn’t okay with doing.” 

Brown cautions that it might not turn out like your fantasies, either. The reality of things like STDs or ensuring protection against unwanted pregnancies has to be at the forefront of everyone’s mind to make the adventure successful. 

Sometimes three really can be a crowd, too. 

“Sometimes you can feel left out in the moment if the other two are busy,” Brown says. “You have to jump in too and try to make the most of it.” 

Your partner needs to feel validated in the mix while it’s going on, says Tony. “That will help with feelings of jealousy.” 

Because even though threesomes were a lot of fun and a huge fantasy for both herself and her boyfriend, Brown says actually seeing her partner with another person can bring up a lot of feelings. 

With her first boyfriend, she didn’t feel any jealousy, but when she tried a threesome with her current boyfriend, she felt a lot of jealousy and anger. 

“It surprised me, but it’s different with different partners,” she says, adding it was important that both were totally comfortable with the third person.  

She also says that part of preparing herself mentally was to honestly admit whether she could handle seeing a partner having sex and performing sexual acts on another person. As for feelings of jealousy, Brown says it’s important to just keep the lines of communication open with everyone involved. 

But then what to do when it’s over. Is everyone hanging out, or is this just a sexual thing? Is everyone staying the night? Discussing what the three of you are comfortable with afterwards gets the awkward out of the way quickly. 

The last thing to do, Brown and Tony agree, is to debrief with your significant other after the encounter. Tony says that the way he felt was important, but that listening to the other person’s perspective is equally so. Even though they were both there, each person may have had different perspectives. 

With a bit of mental preparation, a three-way only dreamt about can be a reality. Just be certain it’s something both parties want and both are ready to work together with it afterward if it isn’t everything expected. 

“It can be a great way to spice up your sex lives and explore,” Brown explains. “It's kind of crazy but actually really fun!”