Mike Pence might just be the kinkiest motherfucker alive

Mike Pence might just be the kinkiest motherfucker alive

PoliticsApril 12, 2017 By Isabelle Kohn

Vice President Mike Pence and his wife Karen have a very curious relationship.

The two met at church while he was in law school, and their first date was a delicate dinner of tender taco salad. After the nuclear-level fireworks that must have inspired, Karen carried around a gold cross with the word "yes" on it in her purse in anticipation of Mike's proposal (because if you can make it to the end of a taco salad together, you can also make it to the end of life). It must have worked, because the two have been married since 1985 and have since had procreative sex to produce three healthy spawn.

However, since then, we've learned much more about Mike Pence the politician than Mike Pence the husband. We know he's homophobic. We know he's sexist as all hell. We know he thinks with his Bible, not his brain. But if you put all that aside for a moment and look at him through a more personal lens, it would seem — at least according to recent accounts of his relationship with his wife — that his marriage and sex life aren't quite as conservative as his politics.

The recent revelations that he calls his wife "Mother," is not allowed to drink alcohol unless she is present, and is "forbidden" from dining alone with other women seem to mirror the sorts of boundaries that are sometimes present in certain Dom/sub relationships, wherein the more dominant partner exerts control beyond the sexual realm on her submissive in order to proliferate control dynamics outside the bedroom (or, in the Pences' case, the church pews). Considering many powerful men are attracted to submission because it allows them to subvert and be temporarily free from their everyday roles, this would make even more sense.

Consider the following account of Mike Pence calling Karen "Mother." Published in a Rolling Stone profile on her, the incident provides a playful and telling hint into Pence's Penis Playground.

From Rolling Stone:

While Mike Pence was governor, his relationship with the Democratic minority in the legislature was crap. Someone on his staff suggested having the Democratic leaders over to the governor's mansion for dinner. The table was set for 20, but there were only around seven in attendance. One unlucky legislator stuck next to Pence tried to make conversation, but found even at dinner she couldn't shift Pence off his talking points. Gov. Pence shouted to his wife, Karen, his closest adviser, at the other end of the table.

"Mother, Mother, who prepared our meal this evening?"

The legislators looked at one another, speaking with their eyes: He just called his wife "Mother."

Maybe it was a joke, the legislator reasoned. But a few minutes later, Pence shouted again.

"Mother, Mother, whose china are we eating on?"

Mother Pence went on a long discourse about where the china was from. A little later, the legislators stumbled out, wondering what was weirder: Pence's inability to make conversation, or calling his wife "Mother" in the second decade of the 21st century.

Possible incest play fantasy? Maybe. Unresolved Oedipal feelings oozing out of the cracks in one's exterior, perhaps? Maybe that, too. Or, maybe Mama Pence is just the Lucille Bluth to Mike's Buster.

Now, let's examine Pence's admission that he can't eat or drink booze around non-Karen women.

Some would say that's textbook Big/litte play, a form of Dom/sub relationships that wherein the dominant partner takes on the role of "parent," while submissive embodies the "child." In the Pence household, Karen is likely the Big, and Mike is likely the little.

Rule and boundaries — even those that extend far past a couple's sexual relationship — are essential in this kind of relationship. As one little explains on the BDSM/ kink lifestyle site Domsub.life, "littles are a LOT of work. my Daddy will be the first to tell anyone that being in charge of a little is no easy task. i often throw tantrums. i am extremely sensitive. i crave all of His attention. i need a lot of discipline, rules, and boundaries. There is nothing worse than being little and having to take on the world alone with no clear direction. With pre-set rules and boundaries, i feel safe and loved. i don’t have to think about how to dress or how to do my hair, Daddy has rules for that. i don’t have to stress about money or bills, Daddy takes care of that. i never have to question “should i” or “shouldn’t i”, because if there isn’t a rule for it, i just consult with Daddy and He takes care of it." (Spelling and grammar intentionally left uncorrected to preserve the integrity of the quote and grammar rules of the Big/little lifestyle.)

... Sound familiar?

Can't you picture Karen cradling Mike's head in her arms as he sucks thumb, telling him, "Mike, you are not to drink alcohol unless I am present. Mike, you are not to dine alone with other woman for I am your sun"?

Given the amount of responsibility and decisions Mike has to make everyday in his professional life, I sure can. His "Mother" supports him by creating rules and boundaries for him in his personal life; ones he doesn't even have to think about because he's just a little boo-boo-ba-ba who's hungry for Mother's milk.

And while I'd like to take credit for this brilliant theory, I'm also not the only one who's noticed the parallels between the Pence family and some of the more seasoned kinksters I know. Headmistress Domina Elle of Denver's Mile High Dungeon and fellow sex worker rights activist Maxine Doogan have also picked up on this.

"The Pences' whole lifestyle is a type of fetish," they write me over text. "Their whole conservative movement is a type of fetish. The rules they create and the way they construct their relationships is a fetish. For example, take the way Pence worships his wife by calling her 'mother' and abides by her every rule, yet attempts to force other women to maintain his ideals of what women should be in his political life. In the BDSM world, we call that 'topping from the bottom.'"

Of course, none of these realizations are even half as uncomfortable as Pence's Bible-based politics, rabid oppositions to women's rights and health, or his homophobic policies (you're not hiding anything with those, buddy). However, they do give us some insight onto Trump's second in command, a man who might very well be your President one day. And since he seems hell-bent on scrutinizing the sex lives of American citizens with his policies, it's only fair we do the same.

That said, we're of the belief that a politician's private life truly is his or her private life. As we've outlined before, the sort of sex they have shouldn't affect our opinion of their ability to do their job. For example: Donald Trump's alleged piss fetish is a juicy revelation, but what he does behind half-open hotel doors with Russian prostitutes is his business. Likewise with Bill Clinton — what goes on inside his marriage (or outside of it) isn't necessarily reflective of his capacity as a politician or leader, just as a husband, which should be a separate thing.

Mike Pence is an exception to this rule, though. His personal beliefs and actions — like that women aren't "safe" to dine with — spill over into his political life, where they directly hurt and damage people. Millions of them. Last year alone, there were 24 legislative measures introduced into Congress to restrict women’s access to health care, nine of which were meant to block low-income patients from accessing STD testing, birth control, Pap tests, and breast exams at Planned Parenthood health centers. In addition to supporting all of those measures, Baby Mikey rallied legislators to shut down the federal government to prevent patients from accessing this essential health care (because god forbid someone gets a Pap smear). During his time as both a Congressman and a governor, he's flagrantly flaunted his “obsession” with defunding women’s health care, was the first member of Congress to introduce legislation to defund Planned Parenthood (and provided the tie-breaking vote to finally do it this year). He also vehemently supported legislation to redefine rape to in order ban abortions, condemning women like Purvi Patel, who spent 20 years in prison for having an abortion. Don't even get me started on his undying love for gay conversion therapy, which has repeatedly been shown to increase suicidality among queer youth.

The only person Trump damaged with his free wheelin' willy was himself, and the only people Clinton hurt was his wife and child. Neither of those things are okay, but they pale in comparison to the millions of people affected by Pence's homophobic, misogynistic policies, so ... we felt he was fair game.

"The problem is that the Pences expect everyone else to construct a relationship like theirs," say Elle and Maxine. "They try to force their beliefs onto other Americans. In the BDSM world, this is understood to be nonconsensual behavior. It's okay to have the conservative fetishes that Mike Pence and his wife do, but forcing them onto others and externalizing their marriage dynamics by taking away choices for Americans, particularly women, is unacceptable. That would get you kicked out of any BDSM community."

Maybe Mother Dearest can talk some sense into our nation's Vice President, but in the meantime, we look forward to hearing about the time they conceived Charlotte when Mike was wearing an adult diaper. America?