October Horoscopes: They're here and well ...

October Horoscopes: They're here and well ...

CultureOctober 06, 2017

The inter-office witchcraft we've been working on reveals all.

LIBRA (SEP 20 – OCT 19):

Slip out of that suspicious nature and into something more appropriate, like a nice hair shirt or a pair of cruel shoes. You’ll be working your contacts list like a whore on nickel night this month, trying to scrape together money to pay your pimp, Leon. We know you hate to be alone, and that anything with a pulse will do to fill that void. Just make sure you don’t catch a venereal disease, you know, like your mother.

SCORPIO (OCT 20 – NOV 19):

You’re in the limelight, which is exactly where you despise being, but such is your life right now. It’s time to put your best clothes on and adult the fuck out of things. You’re also about to switch spiritual beliefs, which you do once a week anyway. Dig deep and make sure you have all the correct data. Later this month you’ll want a reprieve, so it’s safe to become your usual serial killer self.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 20 – DEC 19):

It’s time to go big or go back to bed, cupcake. People laugh at you because you’re always getting fucked over. That makes you a masochist because you can’t change your ways. You need to stop your endless spending on cheap shit you don’t need. At least pretend to have a little restraint. Try to focus for a moment, and throw away that little black book…the one that puts Heidi Fleiss’s to shame.

CAPRICORN (DEC 20 – JAN 19):

You know how you’re always working until your friends and family give up on you? Yeah, you’re doing it again. You would come out of your shell but because you’re a total chickenshit, you’ll feel like curling up into the fetal position with your binky instead. Stay humble and remember that there’s never been a Capricorn of any importance. That way you’re not disappointed when you fuck up. The bright side: your career takes off.

AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 19):

You feel like you’ve done nothing but pay off debts lately. Can you help it if you’re a shop-a-holic? Instead of being the jerkoff know-it-all, have a heaping helping of humble pie. Your so-called friends will be jealous. Too bad for them. They’ll try and try to pry intimate information from you, so for once keep your pie-hole shut. Focus on your career, as that’s where success lies, but only if you keep your nose to the grindstone.

PISCES (FEB 20 – MAR 19):

Your heart breaks more often than a sailor breaks wind. Don’t you ever get tired of it? While it might be fun pretending you’re a rebel without a clue, your loved ones are fed up. Don’t blame them when they call you out for bitching. Things are turbulent for you, as you’re exceptionally sensitive to planetary influences that are impacting the world in bizarre ways. Income will increase, but you’ll have to work harder for it.

ARIES: (MAR 20 – APR 19):

Isn’t it fun being an insufferable prick? Too bad you’re the only one who thinks so. And who’s your fashion consultant, Stevie Wonder? This month it’s time to be detail-focused instead of turning in shitty work that even a Gemini wouldn’t claim. Faking it until you make it results in disaster. You’ll take on a new interest in spiritual matters, to your benefit. Try not to gloat this time.

TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 19):

People think you’re stubborn, stingy, and bull-headed, and they’re right. Get off your lazy ass and get to work. No one’s going to hand the world to you on a silver platter, because you’ll probably just eat it. Your spirit animal this month is Marlon Brando: the grossly obese version. You fancy yourself a food critic, but those are just a fancy word for “glutton.” The lunar eclipse on the 17th will have you questioning your spiritual values.

GEMINI (MAY 20 – JUN 19):

People like you because you’re bisexual. You’re inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap fucker. Geminis are liars, notoriously bad lovers, and thrive on incest and bestiality. Luckily, this is the perfect month to put your perversions on full display. In your defense, you are the “bend-iest” sign of the zodiac, which means you know more sexual positions than Gumby and Stretch Armstrong combined. Kama Sutra, anyone? 

CANCER (JUN 20 – JUL 19):

You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, but they think you’re a fraud. This month, you’ll be your usual moody self and exhibit your prowess at micro-managing everyone’s life but your own. You have no idea what’s really going on in the world. Pull your head out of your ass and pay attention. This month will have you displaying a whole new persona, and radically so. You’ll want a new career to go with your new self.

LEO (JUL 20 – AUG 19):

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy, a bully, and a pain-in-the-ass. You’re incredibly vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism, especially during sex. You’re being pulled in different directions this month, which is frustrating. Any challenge you can think up, you’ll experience. Are they problems or opportunities? You make that decision. The result: you’ll develop a whole new philosophy on life. Speculation brings great returns. You’ll want to seek another career path.

VIRGO (AUG 20 – SEP 19):

You hate disorder. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. When you give up your obsession for perfection, you’ll be almost tolerable. Almost. You’re inclined to clean house this month. Finally. You can pretend to be a naïve waif in public, but if you live like a pig, people will perceive you that way. Jupiter positively impacts your intellect, which is a true blessing.