Sex is sinful, so Mormons must get creative to get laid

Sex is sinful, so Mormons must get creative to get laid

SexOctober 27, 2017 By Lindsey Kline

“In Mormon culture, sex is the devil,” says Kristen*, 26, an escort in Salt Lake City. “The idea of sex is riddled with guilt and shame.”

For members of the church of Latter Day Saints (LDS), sex before marriage is strictly forbidden, pornography is prohibited, and even thinking about sex is sinful. According to scripture, all members of the church must be "morally clean in their thoughts, words and actions.”

But Mormons are only human, and ultimately can’t deny they have sexual desires, just like the rest of us.

Kristen knows it well. She grew up in the Mormon capital of the country, and saw the heavy weight of sexual shame compel her friends and family to do some pretty strange things.

Whether engaging in aggressive dry humping, the “Mormon dick soak,” the “poophole loophole,” or even temporary marriage, people perform all kinds of mental gymnastics to somehow satisfy their religious beliefs and sexual urges simultaneously.

Kristen has seen the suppressive Mormon culture mentally torment its members. Over the years, she says she has had a number of Mormon clients, including a bishop. The bishop is married, but insists to Kristen that he’s happy in his marriage, loves his church and loves his family. Of course, he says he also needs sexual fulfillment.

“It seems like a weight has been lifted off him,” Kristen says, “But another one has been put on him. He seems so relieved to find sexual gratification for the first time in his life — but then there’s that guilt of sleeping with someone who’s not his wife, and fearing eternal damnation because of it.”

That same sense of shame that haunts the bishop once compelled Isaac*, 38, to preserve his purity in the eyes of God by only engaging in anal sex with his girlfriend.

“I had all these sexual hangups that were a byproduct of my religious dogmas. I had convinced myself that my carnal urges could be directed into things that could maintain me as a virgin,” Isaac says.

This logic was also the impetus behind a trend in the young Mormon community known as the “floating,” “marinating,” or “the Mormon dick soak.” To perform this sex act, you simply stick your penis in her vagina ... and sit perfectly still. No humping, no thrusting, and no climax.

This disappointing penetration was allegedly popularized at Brigham Young University, a Mormon college with a strict honor code to maintain chastity. In an environment teeming with horny young adults, BYU students admit they’ll do anything to get as close to sex as possible without any of the repercussions that come from it.

According to one young man who would “soak” with his religious virgin girlfriend, Ashley, “she just had a strong desire to have sex and was willing to push the boundaries of her virginity as far as her sensibilities would allow.”

Of course, most outsiders would agree that engaging in the anal sex “poophole loophole” or “just the tip” doesn’t preserve anyone’s virginity. These delusional rationalizations are to be expected, however, in an aggressive culture of sexual shame.

As far as religious transgressions go, premarital sex is second only to murder in severity. It’s a one-way ticket to an afterlife in Satan’s fiery inferno.

What’s more, getting caught acting on your sexual desires could likely lead to shunning and excommunication.

“People will just shut you out,” Kristen explains. When she was excommunicated from the Mormon church at age 23, she lost all of her friends. “They want to keep their friends pure because they don’t want any influences from Satan in their life.”

It’s no wonder Mormons jump through hoops to justify their sinful urges, when acknowledging their offenses could lead to losing every friend and family member and abandoning every last hope of access to the celestial kingdom.

Far and away, the most outlandish technique to get laid while abiding by Mormon law might be a practice Kristen’s parents described — during their days at BYU, students would run off to Vegas to get married, have sex, then come home to have the marriage annulled.

Plenty more Mormon loopholes have floated around as storied alternatives to premarital sex. There’s your standard dry-humping, naked spooning, fingering, hand jobs, blow jobs, or even “hotdogging” (when the guy rubs his penis between the woman’s buttcheeks until he cums).

After a lifetime of sexual shame, guilt, and suppression, it’s only a matter of time before a Mormon cracks, and just starts sinning. That’s where Kristen comes in.