We asked a promiscuous flight attendant about the secrets of plane sex
From “Can you tell me where we are flying over right now?” to “Where can I smoke?” — flight attendants have to answer a lot of stupid fucking questions. So we decided to ask an anonymous, and therefore uncensored, 29-year-old male flight attendant, questions that are slightly less stupid and unequivocally more awesome: Ones about sex, scandal and idiot passengers.
Look, we’re all here to find out how to get away with fucking at 37,000 feet, but let’s start with some foreplay first… What exactly does a flight attendant do? Are you all just glamorized servers?
Along with being a human garbage can, a manager of toilet use, a trained firefighter, paramedic and evacuation expert, among a long list others, yes, yes we are.
Why are you all so stingy with your soda? I paid top dollar to get on this plane, so give me the whole damn can.
Let me start by saying I hate you.
Let me finish by saying I’ll humor you by offering a little lesson about weight and balance. We can’t carry unlimited soda cans for everyone. That also means we probably don’t have the obscure soft drinks you get upset with us over not carrying, like Fanta and Mountain Dew.
It seems you may have some built up resentment towards passengers. Which kind of passengers do you hate the most?
I hate them all equally. Sometimes I wish it was legal to administer sleeping gas throughout the cabin, so that everyone could just sit down, shut the fuck up, and let us get them to their destination safely.
Alright, maybe we should move on to something a little more lighthearted, because you have that tone in your voice that people get when they want to kill a bitch. How does one go about joining the Mile High Club?
I'm glad you asked that question. It is something I have been planning and perfecting since I first took to the skies as a flight attendant.
What you'll need:
1. A willing partner
2. A baby (borrow one from a sibling if you don't have one)
3. Duct tape
Step 1: Make sure you deceive all flight attendants on board by acting like an adorable as fuck little family. Giving the crew little chocolates or some other bullshit confection will help. We're used to passengers constantly trying to hand us their snot rags, gum, and poopy diapers, so receiving something pleasant for once will surprise and delight.
Step 2: When the seatbelt sign is off, approach one of the flight attendants with your partner and baby, and after charming small talk, ask: "I was wondering if you can tell me which lavatory has the biggest change table? Little Barbara made a mess."
Step 3: Enter said lavatory with partner and baby.
Step 4: Duct tape baby upright, in case of sudden turbulence.
Step 5: Join the mile high club in the dirty, stinking lav like a couple of desperate sexual deviants.
What if you don't have a baby? Is there a Plan B?
Well, sans baby will certainly up the risk factor, because then you are just two adults trying to enter into the lavatory together without a justifiable pretext. Maybe you can explain that you're following your partner for poop support?
Have you ever caught anyone on board in the act?
All. The. Time. A common scenario is for two people to meet in first class, hit the open bar too hard, start not-so-discreetly finger banging under the guise of a blanket accidentally mistaken as an invisibility cloak, and try to make it to the lav to put the P in the V.
Sounds like a good time to us. What happens to these people? Do they get into trouble?
It really depends on the crew that is operating. Personally, I'd be more inclined to smile or high-five couples attempting sky-high sex-tracurricular activities. But if you're flying an airline with old and cynical flight attendants who have been beat down by the perpetual bullshit of passengers and are on the very brink of becoming mild sociopaths, things likely won't go so well for you.
That's why I always recommend booking your flights with an airline that has younger flight attendants. Get a feel for them first. Do they think Reagan was a great president? If so, then I would recommend against doing the nasty on the plane.
I see, I see. But handjobs are cool across the board, right?
Yeah totally. Everyone loves handjobs.
Just to clarify, no one will be ejected if I'm in the middle seat, simultaneously jerking off passengers in the window and aisle seats?
I believe it should be the duty of the middle seat passenger, but in reality, it is completely unacceptable behaviour. As flight attendants, we are supposed to do something about it.
Like what, join in? You're being too vague. I'm asking on behalf of my insatiably needy sex parts and perpetually filthy mind: what's the worst thing that can happen if you are caught having le sex on le plane?
Worst case scenarios ...
The flight attendants notify the captain, who makes the call to have all sexually involved parties removed from the aircraft. They are publically humiliated, especially after YouTube video goes viral as they are escorted off the plane, only to be met by police. The plane is delayed and the remaining passengers are divided into people who revere or resent the offenders.
Unless they refuse to knock it off once they are warned, it is unlikely there will be a diversion. Instead, upon landing, all sexually involved parties will be met by police and they will be charged and arrested.
Jeez, way to get all official-like and kill the mood. How about you? Have you ever had sexy times on a plane?
No. I'm not one to have sex in weird places, so I can tell like one or two of my friends that I'm part of some formerly admired sex club.
But if I was to do it, I would do it right. I would book a room on one of those balled-out airplanes and get it on with comfort and class.
Do pilots and flight attendants ever get it on?
Again, it depends on the airline and it can also be dependant on what the layovers are like. For example, my airline can be a total fuckfest. We are young, attractive, and we have layovers all over Europe. We also like to drink. It really isn't that uncommon for orgies to just randomly break out in a hotel hot tub or rooftop.
Oh really, and which airline do you work for again?
Sorry, I better get going. I wish I could tell you which airlines are filled with younger, orgiastic flight attendants, but my plane is about to take off. I need to put my phone into airplane mode to set a good example for my passengers. See you in the skies!