We asked a sex expert how "shy" people can act on their sexual fantasies

We asked a sex expert how "shy" people can act on their sexual fantasies

SexFebruary 14, 2017 By Chris D'Alessandro

This article started out as something different.

At first, it was about the weirdest things that turn people on. We wanted to see if our friends had any weird kinks or desires that would entertain and educate our esteemed and juicy readers.

However, the answers we collected were not what we expected.

While we did squeeze some people’s kinkiest confessions and perversions out of them, we were truly struck by how few of them actually acted on their fantasies. It seems everyone has a saucy little wet-thought or five — they're just way too embarrassed to share them with their partners. Thus, those fantasies — those all-important, passion-and-boner-igniting fantasies — are going to waste, just around floating aimlessly in people’s brains with no way to actualize.

That bummed us out.

So, we sought some expert advice from sex researcher Dr. Ruth Neustifter (a different Dr. Ruth than Dr. Ruth Westheimer from TV), who teaches a "Fantasies For The Shy" workshop for some insight about why people do this. What’s the point of having a steamy fantasy you masturbate to for years if you’re not going to make it happen for you in real life, or at least try to?

But before we get to that, we wanted to show you some of the responses we got from people about their fantasies so you can see that, a.) everyone has a “weird” fantasy, and b.) most people leave them at that.

Scott. 25. Straight. Bondage.

“I went to a seminar on bondage because I thought it would be something I was into. I liked the idea of being locked up, tied up and gagged — it’s really just to eliminate 1 or 2 of your senses (such as sight, taste or touch) to achieve a higher orgasm. I’ve still never tried it. It’s just too weird.”

Valerie. 25. Lesbian. Strap-ons.

“Oh, fuck. I love watching girls with strap-ons. I like the idea of dominating someone without it being male-female binary. Watching male domination brings almost a feeling of guilt; like it’s too close to rape. I think a girl fucking the shit out of another with a strapon is less clouded. It somehow feels closer and less creepy. But I never did it with my ex-girlfriend.”

Brock. 26. Straight. Group play.

“In general, most group scenarios, like with me and my established partner and others. The idea is hot on paper. But when I think more deeply about it, I just see tons of jealousy and awkwardness. If I were single in that situation, I think it would be a different story.”

Gillian. 27. Straight. Lots of stuff.

"Fuck machines are a big one for me right now. And gay porn. But mostly when they insinuate that the two dudes are straight and just trying it out. I’ll watch those European fuck club pornos and get off, but I have no desire myself to go to a dance club and start fucking people on the floor, you know?”

Amber. 27. Bisexual. BDSM.

“I am super intrigued by BDSM. I like being tied up and that kind of aggression in the bedroom. Hard biting, slapping, hair pulling, etc. But, I have never gone full dominant or submissive … which I would like to try but don’t have the gear, or maybe the guts.”

Tara. 21. Bisexual. Exhibitionism.

“Well, maybe some public stuff. I’m working my way up to doing stuff secretly in front of people at work, like someone (guys and girls) slipping their hand up my skirt while not getting caught. I don’t think I’d go full exhibitionist, but sometimes I watch stuff like that. Also boss-employee power play. Ethically, I wouldn’t do it in a career scenario, but as fantasy, that level of power and stakes is a definite turn on.”

Okay. Now for the explanation.

“For the folks with a fantasy to share, they often worry about rejection and judgment from partners,” says Dr. Ruth. “Not just in the moment, but lasting judgment about who they are as a person. Some people worry that if they try and like something, then it would mean have to reevaluate their own thoughts on who they are as a person.

Some have already faced that judgment when mentioning things about themselves to a current or former partner about their sexuality, gender, spiritual considerations, or their ideas about their own character. Some people voice concerns that they would really love to actualize their ‘weird’ fantasies and need to do them to be happy, but they’re still not willing to face that risk. Some are even worried about being unloveable due to being too weird.”

That was a big eye-opener. The problem seems to be that everyone thinks their supreme fuck fantasy is way too weird and fucked up to share — yet, as you can see, most people have a fantasy like that of their own. So, what you end up with is a group of people who are equally, thinking they’ll be judged by others for being the “weird one,” when in reality, no one is weird at all.

“For some people ‘weird’ means breaking roles and assumptions about their gender or sexuality. For others, it means acts that were not something they’ve ever seen represented positively, and for others it minds of partners/body parts/settings/objects that were not considered appropriate or normative for them to engage with,” says Dr. Ruth. “Personally, the more I have the honor of witnessing diverse sexual tastes, the more I realize what creative creatures we humans are. While many things may not be statistically normal, the range of things I’ve seen and heard about is tremendous and wonderful.”

We’re with Dr. Ruth on that one. And we did get one encouraging story about acting on a fantasy, about stepping outside the “norm” and having a really good fucking time doing it.

Beth. 24. Bisexual. Whipping.

“One of the strangest things that actually turned me on a lot only happened once. I was tied up, hands behind my back and in only a skirt with no panties. The guy I was with was really into punishment, so he got pleasure from hitting me in different spots and whipping me (as in no holding back) on my ass and my breasts. It was incredibly painful, but it turned me on to the point where I could pretty much orgasm on command. I have no idea why that did anything for me. At first I was terrified, but I knew that's what he wanted so I obeyed. After a few minutes I learned to tune out the pain and tap into what my body was feeling after. It made my skin tingle and my whole body tense up. It's interesting what happens when you let your mind shut off and let your senses turn on.”