Your January 2017 Hookup Horoscope knows if this is the year you'll finally try anal

Your January 2017 Hookup Horoscope knows if this is the year you'll finally try anal

CultureJanuary 02, 2017

Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Capricorn

With Mars in your fifth house, don’t be surprised to find yourself as the star of the show when it comes to sex. Forces are compelling you to perform this month, and you should let them, primarily because it’s fucking hot and if you argue with me, I swear to god …This could have effects ranging from a little public groping to full-on starting production of A Night in Paris 2: It’s Actually Me This Time, but, either way, you’ll want all eyes on you.

Aquarius

Your previously unadulterated non-stop fuck fest will likely come to screeching halt this month when you and your partner figure out that you’ve just about done everything there is to do. All the fantasies. All the positions. All the hot neighbors. Now would be a good time to take a step back and ask yourselves if you’re fulfilling each other’s emotional and psychological needs as much as you filling each other’s body cavities.

Pisces

Because you’re so notoriously indecisive, you often run into the problem of saying something to someone, then instantly regretting it. Nowhere is this more obvious than when you try to sext And Jesus Christ, your sexts. They’re insane. Ugh. Zero sense. Well … good thing you’re also notoriously popular, so, don’t hesitate to phone a friend when it comes to these matters. This month is full of sexual communication for you, so hope you’ve got a Top 8 on hand.

Aries

Your boundless energy often wears your partners out in bed, but this month, prepare to meet your match. Because your moon is in your 6th house of creative expression, you’re most likely to meet this person in an artistic, literary or musical setting, but while they may not reveal their inner freak upon first encounter, trust us … they will if you give them a chance. Your planets are aligned for both sex and challenging physical undertakings, so … Gatorade?

Taurus

This month, your well-developed sensual side will have a chance to flourish when you have a relationship-changing conversation with your partner about the type of sex you want to have versus the type of sex you’re having. Your chart is full of air, making communication easy, so let your partner know you’re craving those soft kisses, gentle caresses and impossibly slow fucks. Chances are, they’ll feel your pace is similar to molasses, but they’ll still do it.

Gemini

Your sun trines travel-loving Sagittarius this January, giving you the opportunity to venture off into new and unusual places to find romance or … fucking. The farther you’re able to travel, the more likely you are to be aroused by the novelty of your settings, and the more likely you are to come into contact with people that fuck in ways you’ve never fucked before. Is it true what they say about French girls? We don’t know. Please report back.

Cancer

Holy Christ on a stick, Cancer, you’re in for a hot-and-heavy month. The dual influence of Mars and Venus has your hormones raging, and your normally composed demeanor is liable to be replaced with an unfamiliar, yet welcome sexual expressiveness that leads you down many a pleasured path. Try to say yes to as much as you can during this time — as long as you’re comfortable and safe, all this experimenting will make you a better lay in the future.

Leo

What is it with you and people in bands? You’ve always found yourself inexplicably attracted to people on stage, and even though you’ve had terrible luck with them in the past, the heartbreak only intensifies your longing for people who strum strings and bang drums. If this has been an issue for you in the past, stay away from concerts and shows this month, because that tendency of yours is particularly intense now. Try to leave the groupie shit for February.

Virgo

You probably don’t need us, or the stars, to tell you that you’ve been going through a bit of a dry spell recently. In fact, the other day when we zoomed in on a picture of the Atacama Desert, it was actually your crotch. And we know you don’t want to hear this but … it’s gonna be like this for a while. Mercury and Pluto are making you overly introverted and in your own head, so give it another month or so before you’re your usual intelligent, gregarious self again.

Libra

How’s life in the suburb with the 2.5 kids and the white picket fence treating you, Libra? This January, you find yourself particularly weighed down by your domestic situation, which has become overly comfortable and tame. You need something to shake you up, and the stars are encouraging you to take every chance you get to do that … even if it means doing something you’re normally too prim to do. If you don’t, you go AWOL one day and, ew.

Scorpio

Fidelity has never been a strong suit of yours, yet you expect it from your partners. You’ve got this weird double standard thing going on, which unsurprisingly creates problems when it comes to setting boundaries about cheating. Good thing there’s a solution. It’s called cuckolding. Look it up. You’ll love it. The only challenge is finding a partner that does too, but ... let’s just say it’s not PornHub’s 14th most-watched category for no reason.

Sagittarius

Your adventurous sexuality will really have a chance to shine this month when the person you’re banging starts letting you take the reins in bed. The sun is in your 10th house, making you a formidable leader who knows exactly what he or she wants. This works wonders for experiments with control dynamics because you feel comfortable calling the shots and commanding satisfaction. Just make sure your partner is taken care of, too.