Your penis can definitely get stuck in a vagina

Your penis can definitely get stuck in a vagina

SexSeptember 15, 2017

Here's another reason to stay a virgin, beyond the fact that it's not entirely your choice:

Penises can get stuck in vaginas, and it can get trapped there.

Although very, very rare, it is apparently real. As the woman spasms with an orgasm, the vaginal muscles clamp up. They seize. And they won't release. And your junk gets wedged inside, like a thumb in a Chinese finger trap. Like your hand gets wedged inside a vending machine digging after the lowest hung candy. Like a child's head lodged between the balusters of railing.

This feels like fake news, but it's so real it has a medical designation: penis captivus. That's Latin for captured dong.

Stories of penis captivus have trickled out over the years, including some footage that is not safe for work.

In one case, a British doctor swore to have seen a honeymooning couple brought to the hospital on a single stretcher.

British news reported that an old man got stuck in a prostitute and died — and the pair had to be wheeled to the hospital — all while the poor hooker still had the croaked geezer jammed inside her.

A lot of the most explicit footage, for some reason, comes from Africa:

A lot of these might be hoaxes. They tend to come from sexually repressive countries with histories of misogyny. The women are always deeply shamed. Christian morality is at play here. It's punishment for sin, people probably think. 

But penis captivus is real enough to have been debated in medical literature for almost 40 years. It started in 1979, when the British Medical Journal published a paper called "Penis captivus — did it occur?" The writer noted that dogs get glued together when they're puppy-making. (Here's footage, NSFW.) Was it so crazy to think that the same thing could happen to people? And doctors gave believable pathophysiological explanations: "spastic contractions of the levator ani muscles."'

Doctors don't know why this happens. It might be vaginismus, involuntary muscle spasms that cause the muscles to cramp and seize up. It might happen more when the woman is anxious about sex, like how anxiety causes hyperventilation, which causes intense hand and muscle cramps. Which is why some women experiencing penis captivus can't let go: they get so anxious about having a man stuck inside them that they cramp up even more. The only way to end it is to relax. Good luck.

Stories of penis captivus are used to scare young people away from having sex, the British Medical Journal notes. Dudes are told: Chicks are so needy and possessive their pussies literally won't let your dick go. Virgin girls were told that they would get caught having premarital sex because they'd freeze forever like that.

It's like how they used to tell teenagers that masturbating makes you go blind or makes palms hairy: ways for old people to shame kids into celebacy, because of the weight of Christian dogma. 

Unlike hairy palms — which is a myth, just FYI — a lot of doctors believe in penis captivus, giving interviews about it in fairly respectable outlets, including the BBC.

And this is real enough that you can use it to soothe yourself about the fact that you aren't currently getting laid. It might be pathetic and anti-social to jack it to fake girls by the glow of a laptop screen — you can tell yourself — but at least your fist is unlikely to seize up and trap your dick like Fay Wray in King Kong's hairy palm, and maybe your mind can rest free and easy about the disgusting way you avoid contact with real human girls.