My girlfriend and I broke up during quarantine and we still have to live together. It’s a nightmare. Any advice?

My girlfriend and I broke up during quarantine and we still have to live together. It’s a nightmare. Any advice?

Life advice from comedian Mike Stanley

CultureJanuary 13, 2021 By Mike Stanley

Yikes! Was it mutual or are you like rival gangs in a prison? I guess sleep with one eye open and don’t eat full portions of anything she cooks. Little nibbles at a time with long pauses to give your body time to react to potential poisons. Good luck!

Are you reading any good books right now? I’d love some recommendations. How about shows?
No books at the moment. I ripped through some pamphlets last month. One on hang-gliding, another on the Appalachian trail. Real page folders! As far as shows, I can’t recommend Fargo enough! Can’t believe it took a world-wide lockdown for me to dive into this show. Enjoy!

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?
A stranger’s ass.

Where’s the last place you traveled? What did you do there?
Vegas. I was doing 10 shows at the Stratosphere back in March when they announced the world was going into a lockdown. The club stayed open and I was obligated by contract to finish the week. I’m a good comic, but my shit isn’t worth dying for.

What did you think you were going to be growing up?
I knew in 6th grade I wanted to be a comedian. I told my guidance counselor (whom I was sent to regularly) and he had no advice but he encouraged it. I knew it was that or I was going to get super fat and work at a bank like everyone else in my hometown.

Do you think we should take the vaccine?
You can do what you want, I know I’m taking it. People are afraid there are microchips in it, which is silly. You know how much that would cost to microchip everyone? This is a country that up-charges for extra marinara.

My girlfriend spends a ton of money on crystals. I think they’re cool from a geological standpoint but we really don’t have the money for this right now. What do I do?
As financially irresponsible as that is, think of it this way, if you two end up homeless you can build the dopest Castle Grayskull anyone has ever seen! “I HAAAAAAVE THE POOOOOWER!” Eat your heart out Meow Wolf!

Mike Knows Best:
Cauliflower pizza answers the question “I wonder what the box the pizza comes in tastes like?”