9 Donald Trump running mates that make his presidency a sure thing
With Donald Trump poised to do what no one thought possible and win the Republican nomination, his potential running mate will be a hot topic that could change the landscape of American politics. But if he's got any hope of beating out Hillary Clinton, who is currently projected to beat him with 5.7 percent more of the vote, he'll have to choose his VP wisely.
But since he's a busy man, we've graciously gathered a few viable suggestions for him, all that are sure to enhance his chance of becoming the nation's first orange President.
1. John Kasich
This little sucker fish of a man has proven his endurance by sticking around the presidential race with no real chance of winning, specifically just to fuck with Trump. Clearly, he doesn't even want to be President, he just wants to go "Weeee!" around the country in private planes and eat free food, and that's the sort of non-competitive, leisure-based personality is an essential quality a VP must have.
Plus, he even announced today that he'd never consider serving as Donald Trump's VP. This means he's intelligent. He thinks clearly. That's the kinda guy you want in the White House, or around it, or in whatever dusty corner they keep the VP in.
2. Bernie Sanders
Because the world needs more Bernie Sanders memes.
3. Megyn Kelly
Aside from her ability to constantly put Donald Trump in his place, Megyn Kelly now has the haircut The Donald wishes he had.
But more importantly, she recently invited him to sit down for an interview with her, breaking their 10-month long dispute, which pretty much solidified that she's the bigger man and is capable of taking the high road while Donald Trump can only resort to vitriolic outbursts of anger when pushed to a breaking point. Since the world is going to explode if he's elected and our international relations are likely to crumble, it would be so fine and dandy if we could have someone gracious and diplomatic like Megyn Kelly poised to take over once Trump completes his metamorphosis into a mean orange.
Being a reality TV star and professional arsehole who specializes in failed businesses, Donald Trump doesn't really know how to do politics. However, Siri could be eminently useful in that regard.
We can picture it now:
Trump: "Siri, how do you run a country?"
5. Johnny Depp
Donald Trump's not a politician, so why in God's frick would he pick a politician to be his Vice President? Johnny Depp would be the perfect unexperienced running mate for Trump. Like The Donald, Johnny Depp was entertaining at one point, but has since become un-entertaining. He wears eyeliner too, which means he is wily and can probably do magic, a useful skill when trying to distract the legislative branch from Trump's painful political catch-up game ("So, uh, can one of you tell me how this Senate thing works?" ... Cue Johnny Depp and a fog machine).
Plus, let's be real here. The ladies ... the ladies love him. With Trump polling in the negative hundreds with breasted Americans, his campaign could really use some feminine attraction energy in the form of an adult pirate named Johnny.
But perhaps most importantly, let's not forget the time that Johnny Depp played Donald Trump in a Funny or Die skit. If he can act like Donald Trump on screen, who says he can't act like Donald Trump in real life?
6. KY Jelly
For when he fucks the economy in the ass.
7. Paul Mitchell
We don't know how long it must take Donald Trump to glue each stringy piece of toupee to his disgusting, sun-spot ridden scalp each morning, but it seems he'd save a lot of time and mental resources by having someone who knows how to do hair do it for him. That way, he can focus on what's really important: eliminating the band Nickelback, who is currently polling better than him right now.
8. A wall
The man loves walls!
9. Jimi Hendrix
Yeah, we know: Jimmy Hendrix died 46 years ago. It would be impossible for him to come back to life and serve as Donald Trump's VP. But then again, we also thought it would be impossible for Donald Trump to get this far. Clearly, our nation's collective sense of reality and logic has been thrown out the window, so at this point, we're of the belief that anything is possible. Anything like, say, Jimi Hendrix shredding to "All Along the Watchtower" during important security briefings and always talking about Woodstock during other important security briefings. Man, that guy was cool.