The 9 types of stoners you'll find in Colorado

The 9 types of stoners you'll find in Colorado

VicesAugust 28, 2015 By Joe Inclan

With marijuana legalized in Colorado, the stoner archetype has left the confines of its Mom’s basement and evolved into many hilarious forms.

1. The Cheeser a.k.a Sir Coughs-a-Lot

There's nothing wrong with a little coughing, but this new smoker threatens to hack up a lung every session. They go from sober to train wreck in under two hits and fter that, they grin like seven-year-olds posing for a photo the entire rest of the night. This can coincide with ceaseless giggling, which only adds to the perma-smile, something that cannot be erased even when you tell them things like, "Hey dude, a dog ate your legs." Sometimes, this type of smoker reverts back to plain old booze for their buzz because they just can't handle the earth-shattering high of 1/18  of a joint. But eh, everyone has to start somewhere. You’ll often hear Cheesers saying things like “How can people smoke all the time?” You will know someday, padawan.

Preferred intake method: The ugly chillum they made in Ceramics class.

Where to find them: In the corner of a stoner party trying not to laugh at their own fingers.

2. The Boomerang

This is a special variety of noob. This person hasn’t smoked a joint since Carter was in office, and assumes that the Devil’s lettuce is just as it used to be. This stoner has emerged from their shell now that weed is legal, but their world is rocked by the fact that weed is, oh, about 3,201 times stronger than it used to be. Halfway through a J of medicinal-grade Sour Diesel, they can’t stop talking about how strong the weed is today ... later, they wake up in a field covered in deer blood with no recollection of what happened. They will also point out the carburetor on every pipe, like it signifies high quality. They have fond memories of '70s schwag weed and so they stick to mellow, CBD-heavy strains. Welcome to 2015, old-timer.

Preferred intake method: An oh-so-resiny one-hitter they found in a drawer, next to their Class of 1974 yearbook.

Where to find them: In their favorite chair, watching Jeopardy reruns.

3. The Edibles Only Guy

This the person who will not tolerate smoking, but still wants to use marijuana. They have shunned smoking for health reasons, the smell, and because smoking it still seems vaguely illegal somehow. Eating brownies, cookies, and/or cake, however, is low-odor so nobody will suss out their secret habit. These stealthy oddballs are the reason powdered alcohol and vodka tampons exist. Sure it’s easy to hide, but the experience is completely different. You can try to convince these stoners to smoke like the rest of us, but you can’t argue with how good those THC candies are.

Preferred intake method: Nom nom nom.

Where to find them: Sneaking off to enjoy a slice of special banana bread now that the kids are asleep.

4. The Poser

This is someone who's smoked pot a handful of times, and by that, we mean eight. Nonetheless, the relish the fact that, thanks to legalization, they can now tell everyone that they smoke pot. Maybe they just moved from Nebraskahoma where weed is still illegal, or maybe they grew up so sheltered that they still thing weed is a thing people care abot, but either way,  now that they can grab a 1/2 ounce legally they act like “Rolling Papers” is their alma mater. They always say things like “I got so high last night” or “I smoked the dankest shit at Theta Beta Feta Epsilon last weekend and have no idea what happened eheeheheheh."  A gas station bubbler and tie-dyed tank top aren't fooling anyone. If you ever see a 12-foot bong at a house party, there is a poser lurking in the shwag haze.

Preferred intake method: Biggest bong possible.

Where to find them: In a fogged-out foyer telling their party guests how much they love pot. Then they call the Cheeser in the corner a 'noob.' Hi five bra!

5. The Casual Smoker

This stoner variety handles their shit without feeling the need for it on the regular. They will pass a bowl around at parties and with friends. They can mix weed and alcohol. They are good with weed, but it just doesn’t inspire them like it does other people. This means they never have their own supply and will happily mooch off of anyone who initiates a session. And of course, now that your green is being spent they act like frickin’ Snoop Dogg with your stash. These peeps are chill, but damn, they blaze like each bowl helps pay off their student loans. At least they usually know a few ways to jimmy a smoking device when there is nothing available like little stoney MacGyvers.

Preferred intake method: Smoking out of apples, tin foil, your pipe, whatever works.

Where to find them: Pruning their church group’s Facebook page, to atone for last night’s partying

6. The Consummate Professional

This stoner wears a suit and tie, leads meetings, crushes at company softball games, and then scurries off to the bathroom to hit their vape pen. They function better high. They just get into a groove without sweating the little stuff. They have a spliff at lunch, vape between tasks at their desk, and keep a one-hitter in the car for emergencies. Their coworkers don’t even know they smoke, but if the boss man even mentions drug tests they will sweat THC-laden bullets. They prefer strong stuff, mostly sativas. If you want a smoke session with these stoners, it’s gotta be on the down-low. Just be cool man.

Preferred intake method: Vape pen, or anything quick and discreet.

Where to find them: Vaping huge clouds under the fume hood at their 4-star restaurant before showing the mayor to his special reserved table.

7. The Wiz

This stoner will smoke you under the table. Two grams of their stuff has you couch-locked, but they blow dank clouds for hours. If you need to know anything about herb, they have your back. Trimming, grinding, rolling, baking, vaping—this stoner has it down. They could beat you to death with the Thai sticks they roll. Luckily, they are way too chill for that. But, dropping a couple hundred a month on weed can be hard for them, which is why you might find their Grateful Dead-themed footbag collection on Craigslist tonight. At least the money goes to a good cause.

Preferred intake method: Bongs with enough ash catches and percolators to choke a goat.

Where to find them: Selling weed on the golf course. They love hitting the green.

8. The Dab-Meister

This is the stoner who has ascended to a new astral plane of weed tolerance. Being high is a state of being, not a hobby. They keep a butane torch and enough shatter on them to paralyze a herd of buffalo. The THC hidden in their secret stash ear gages is more than you’ve ever done in your whole life. These are the zen masters of marijuana. If you want to see them in action, check out their Instagram account. You will know the reason concentrated THC was created. Cheesers, don’t fuck with Dab-Meisters. Leave that shit to the professionals.

Preferred intake method: Immolating foot-long shatter worms with their custom dab rig.

Where to find them: Instagram. Watch them do a dab. And another. And another…

9. The Veteran

This stoner category is pretty self explanatory. These folks have been smoking reefer for decades. They can roll a joint with one hand and flick a lighter with the other. They may have grown some pot years ago, but now have med cards and rec shops to supply their lifestyles. Many great strains were cultivated and propagated by these wise, long-time stoners. Now they pass their tiny torches on to a new generation. Talk about flower power. If you wind up in the house of a Veteran stoner, you’ll know because there will be a joint or pipe in every nook of the house. Who needs air freshener when you can just light a J you found in the cookie jar?

Preferred intake method: Joints, but they keep various pipes at their disposal.

Where to find them: At home, buying a wagon-full of Girl Scout Cookies from some lucky little girls.