Botox is a promising cure for penis imperfections, including premature ejaculation
If there were a miracle drug that could give you a better, more beautiful erection, would you inject it into your dick?
Plenty of men would do it in a heartbeat. That’s why Botox — the cosmetic drug that’s used to numb the agony of migraines, help cross-eyed folks see straight, and remove wrinkles from housewives’ frown lines — is becoming an ever-more appealing penis-improvement treatment.
The drug is a promising avenue for almost every phallic imperfection. A few shots to your genitals can enlarge your flaccid penis, treat erectile dysfunction, and even help you last longer in bed. The never-ending quest for a superior penis has led us down some sketchy, medically ill-advised roads, but Botox could steer us to a safer way.
BIGGER LIMP DICKS
Men are one of two things — a grower or a show-er. And there’s little debate about which one they’d rather be.
Science proves growers are insecure about the size of their flaccid penises. They’ll turn to pumps, penis weights and a weird exercise called jelqing to make their softie bigger, even though that might make their cock look all swollen and mangly.
Researchers weren’t necessarily looking for better methods to enlarge men’s schlongs — they discovered Botox’s ability to boost the size of a jeans snake on accident.
The eureka moment happened during a study, published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, in which doctors were attempting to treat “hyperactive retraction reflex,” a condition that causes your cock to retreat like a frightened sea turtle when you’re cold or stressed out.
They administered four Botox injections to the base of the men’s third leg in order to paralyze the muscle that makes weiners wither. The experiment worked — their penises stopped cowering when a brisk breeze blew by. The test also had an extra valuable side effect: their flaccid penises were about half an inch longer.
However, erect size didn’t change much, and the effects of the shots only lasted up to six months. Just like that housewife has to consistently poke her crow’s feet with a syringe to stay looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, men would have to inject their junk a couple times each year to keep their chub from shrinking.
For men who struggle to get a stiffy, Viagra works. The boner-boosting med not only treats erectile dysfunction, but has also become a with perfectly healthy penises, who pop the meds after a night of drinking to make sure they can still perform in bed.
But not every man is able to depend on the blue diamonds. It’s possible the drugs won’t work for you, or wouldn’t mix safely with your other prescription medications. Maybe you don’t want to cough up the cash to Big Pharma, or you had a traumatic experience with gas station dick pills and can’t stand the idea of popping more penis supplements.
Whatever your reason, there is an alternative — a needle in your manhood. A new study in the The Journal of Sexual Medicine suggests Botox could be a game-changer when it comes to treating ED. By relaxing the muscles in the dick, blood should be able to flow through boners much more easily.
So far, only one small study has supported this theory. The results were positive — participants who got shots of Botox to their babymaker saw improved blood flow. However, one poor soul’s syringe was filled with a little too much of the drug, and his dick became a never-ending boner — the kind of “more than a 4-hour” erection that Viagra warns you about in its 10-minute spiel of disastrous side effects; the kind of nightmarish erection that takes surgery to correct. It seems Botox dick dosage is a fickle thing.
LAST LONGER IN BED
Premature ejaculation plagues millions of men, and is considered the most common type of male sexual dysfunction. Men who shoot too soon have a few possible treatments at their disposal, including orgasm-delay exercises, desensitizing creams, or thinking of Steve Buscemi, Danny Devito and William H. Macy having a steamy threesome.
Of course, emerging studies suggest Botox could be an entirely new PE remedy. When researchers tested the drug on rats, paralyzing a particular muscle in the base of the penis allowed the male critters to hump longer than the control group. Rats given a placebo had sex for six and a half minutes before ejaculating. Rats given botox could plow their lady rats for ten minutes before climaxing.
Whatever your phallic insecurity, Botox could be your path to penis fulfillment. Sure, a needle to the nether regions doesn’t sound ideal, but for a bigger limp penis, better erections and longer-lasting sex, it might be worthwhile. Next step: finding a medically-enhanced vagina worthy of your medically-enhanced penis.