'Girl on top' is breaking a record number of penises, but men are heroically enduring it
Even though a study published in Advances in Urology has found that the cowgirl position is responsible for over half of all penile fractures in the boudoir, men are pushing on in brave defiance, generously donating their dicks to pleasure in this dangerous game.
Everywhere, bearded heroes and women's sons are selflessly taking on the perilous position like foot soldiers in an epic battle for freedom. Not even the pulse-pounding realization that it could snap their manhood in half over half the time is enough to stop these admirable fellows from lying there and letting boobs and hair flop in their faces.
Doggy style was also found to be particularly deadly, claiming responsibility for 29 percent of broken dicks. Missionary, being the perpetual middle child that it is, had a neither impressive nor disappointing penile fracture rate with 21 percent. However, men, being the unassailable lionhearts they are, don't seem to object to putting themselves and their members in the line of fire.
Doctors and academics made these chilling findings by observing patients attending three ER units with suspected "penile fractures" over a 13 year period. Half of these patients reported hearing a crack before experiencing pain, with some also suffering swelling.
The injury must be treated urgently, and medical professionals recommend visiting the ER A-fucking-SAP after sustaining any penile injuries suspicious of a fracture. However, the study found that some of the men waited up to six hours before seeking medical help, mostly because they were too embarrassed ... even though there's nothing embarrassing about your cock dying for a good cause.
The average guy with a broken dick turned out to be a heterosexual fella around age 34 whose penis slipped out of his partner then crashed back into their corpus like a bird flying into a window.
The researchers concluded: "Our study supports the fact that sexual intercourse with 'woman on top' is the potentially riskiest sexual position related to penile fracture.Our hypothesis is that when woman is on top she usually controls the movement with her entire body weight landing on the erect penis, not being able to interrupt it when the penis suffers a wrong way penetration, because the harm is usually minor in woman with no pain but major in the penis. On the contrary, when the man is controlling the movement, he has better chances of stopping the penetration energy in response to the pain related to the penis harm, minimizing it."
Of the cock carnage, 28 men were injured in heterosexual romps, four during homosexual intercourse, six as a result of "penis manipulation" and four in circumstances which were "unclear." Yeah, we see you over there trying to show that tail pipe a good time ...
Well, given this new information, we have a newfound respect for men, and would like to present them all with this trophy of bravery in the face of certain doom: