How to train your boyfriend to obey your every whim
Training, grooming, persuading ... whatever you call it, women have been manipulating men since the the first cave woman suggested her knuckle-dragging boyfriend build a fire. Sometimes even the savviest of modern ladies needs a man-training guide. So here's our handbook for conditioning him to do exactly what you want, when you want it, because we care … sort of.
Reward always trumps discipline
Unless your boytoy is a submissive sex slave, like our crazy, crotchety grandma always said, “You’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” In your quest to train a man, always remember this: Positive reinforcement will yield the greatest results. Nagging, disciplining and otherwise emasculating your man most often ends with you alone at the porn store contemplating the pros and cons of wireless, vibrating panties.
The fellatio protocol
Oral sex is the end-all-be-all of treats when it comes to training your man. Any time he does something you particularly like, such as putting the toilet seat down or not getting his hair cut in some sad style, suck his dick. It’s important to let him know that’s why you’re sucking his dick, so a pattern can be established. Eventually, he’ll be buying you flowers, planning romantic dates, even washing your dishes in wanton anticipation.
The chastity belt method
Conversely, withholding sexual favors is another tried-and-true training method. If he's a slob, rude or unpleasing, stop rewarding him for bad behavior. He'll soon find that being an ass to the waiter, playing video games for days or wearing the same hole-filled basketball shorts that smell worse than his un-washed scrotum isn't worth celibacy. Before you know it, he'll be changing those pants to get into yours.
If a fart falls in the forest, and no one hears it, is it still a fart? Nope.
The point here is that if you ignore the problem, it's likely to go away on its own. Men seem to really enjoy getting a rise out of people, whether it be telling a sexist joke at your girlfriend’s birthday party or belching and farting simultaneously while you’re at brunch. Instead of nagging him to quit it or kicking him underneath the table, which is exactly what he's looking for, just order another drink or three, and ignore it. Eventually he'll get bored and stop, and then you can go on enjoying your well-earned buzz together.
Get it while it’s hot
When men are down for the day, they’re down for the day. You asking him to pick a place to eat or what he wants to do this weekend while he's in this state sounds like nagging. When men hear nagging, they shut down and start watching porn. If you want help with anything, ask him when he's already in motion, and generously reward him for his time. He’ll start doing things you ask because 1) he is already in the do-shit mode 2) he knows his knob is getting gobbled once he's changed your oil, and 3) he knows once it's all said and done you won't be interrupting his alone time.
Monkey see, monkey do
Every man can become the perfect sexual specimen; it just takes a little training. If your guy could use some help in the bedroom, you need to tell him what to do right off the bat. Don't be shy. If you don't tell him now that the jackhammer doesn't do it for you, he'll go on thinking it's your favorite, and you're in for a lifetime of bruised vagina. You don't want a bruised vagina do you? At his core he really does want to please you, and if you tell him exactly how you want it, he'll be more than happy to accommodate, especially with all the head he's been getting lately.
Appeal to his XY chromosomes
The only thing men love more than side boob is feeling useful. Men's confidence comes from having the technical skill, knowledge and drive to get shit done. So if there's something you want done, or something you want help with, make sure you let him know he's the only man for the job. Want him to go down on you more? Tell him no one's ever made you feel like he does when his head is between your legs. Want him to put up that bookshelf? Tell him you're always impressed by his superior ability to rotate IKEA assembly images in his head and that he looks sexy as fuck handling that drill.
Don't use psychic warfare to train him. He's a man, not a mind reader.
Men, for all their mighty capabilities and penises, have the psychic ability of a decorative lawn rock. While most women have a natural intuitive ability that allows them to perceive the needs of others, the majority of men aren't quite as blessed. Men, on the other hand, are most responsive to directness. So if you want something done, or you want him to know something, the quickest way to get it is to straight up tell him you need it. But don't worry, women of Rooster, the training part still applies. See, you'll probably have to tell him you need something several times. If he doesn't respond, just slash his tires. He'll be pussy-whipped in no time.