A married mother of three explains how she keeps her sex life way hotter than yours
My friend has this sister. Leslie.
Every time I see Leslie and her husband John together, I'm floored by how happy they seem together. This is strange, because their marriage has all the makings of one that should have turned sour by now.
They've been married for as long as Willow Smith has been alive. They have three spawn— one of who just recently graduated from infant to "generalized small baby" status, another who's become intimately familiar with law enforcement as of late. They have stressful jobs. Sometimes, money is an issue. There's no physical or earthly reason why they should be as in love as they are.
Yet in spite of this, they can't keep their hands off each other.
I often wonder if their sex life has something to do with it.
I'll tell you what tipped me off.
The other day, Leslie sent a photo to me and her sister on a group chat. It was a series of items laid neatly out on a bed. There was a naughty schoolgirl outfit, a butt plug with a bunny tail on it, a paddle for whipping, and what looked like a whole lot of lube.
"It's John's birthday tomorrow ... gonna surprise him with this," said the photo caption.
... What in the living fuck? I thought to myself. This woman literally just gave birth.
I had to find out how she was pulling stuff like this off. After all, I'm not married and I have zero kids, yet it's still hard for me to find the motivation and energy to do things like that in my own long-term relationship. How, despite their kid and lengthy marriage situation, were they able to keep their sex life "spicy," as they say?
Leslie and I talked, and she gave me some really thoughtful insight on how she and John use their sexuality to stay close and happy, why scheduling sex is actually awesome, and why sex doesn't have to be glamorous or even good to work wonders for a marriage. Also included in this amazing package: why butt stuff is the best stuff.
How long have you been married?
We have been married for 9 years, together for 15.
How did you guys meet?
His sister bought a house across an alleyway from my mom's house. She became a great friend. John and I met at one of her parties. He was dating someone else at the time. A few months later, him and his girlfriend broke up and he was asking his sister about me. I guess I made an impression. My birthday was coming up and I told his sister to invite him to my birthday dinner and I joked that maybe he could be my birthday lay. I guess she told him, "Leslie said come to her party and she'll fuck you."
So he came ... And I fucked him.
What was the sex like when you first started dating? Do you remember what happened the first time you had sex?
I do remember our first time very well. He refused to wear a condom and he didn't want to take his shirt off. I guess he was self-conscious about his chest hair, which is crazy, because I love hairy guys and his chest is one of my most prized possessions. It smells like cookies. Sex was super hot in the beginning, we did it anytime we had a chance.
Has sex always been something that's important to both of you? Did you guys ever consciously decide to keep things "spicy," as they say?
I see sex as a way to connect to each other. It's a thing that we do, just us, with no one else. So yeah, it's pretty important. There are other ways to connect with people, but sex for us is our special sacred way to connect with just each other. It's not always glamorous or hot, but it's always ours. I don't know if decided to keep it spicy per se, but we both are naturally open to trying new things.
How did you notice your sex life or libido change after you had kids?
Of course sex was super hot at first, we did it multiple times a night, everywhere. Then we mellowed out and found a nice rhythm. Pregnancy actually can make you super horny. Second trimester is super hot and you still look kind of cute, you breasts are swollen and sensitive, I fell in love with having my nipples sucked and played with.
Of course after the baby comes you are tired all the time and not always in the mood. You find yourself choosing sleep over anything else. Sometimes we would go for over a week without connecting, and we would realize it. So, we'd make an appointment to have sex, and make sure to follow through, to keep the flow going. Of course, we have seen ups and downs in our libidos over the last 15 years. It doesn't always have to do with kids, sometimes it's work, or family stress, or feeling out of shape physically. That's when you have to get out your appointment book.
Appointment book? How do you keep that exciting? Some people seem really negatively deterred by scheduling sex because the lack of spontaneity make it un-exciting for them. How do approach that problem with scheduled sex?
Well, it's not always exciting. It doesn't have to be. Sometimes, it's just for him, and from personal experience guys don't need too much excitement — they just need to see a naked body part.
We like to do this position we call the LST "lazy side tap." When I know I am too tired but he wants it, I turn my back to him and pull down my panties and hand him the lube. I can still watch TV even! I think that doing that is not cheating yourself, it's recognizing that guys have different needs than girls. It's good to have your guy getting off often, it keeps their juices flowing, it keeps them hard, keeps them wanting you, keeps their libidos hot. Hot for me.
The more sex you have, the more you want it. Sometimes even if you're tired, but you know it's been a few days and you have made "an appointment," you get all close and it's warm and he smells good, like cookies, and he starts kissing you and touching you and you get all warmed up and you end up having a great ol' time. And the next night you find yourself wanting to recreate the experience. And the night after that, he may fall asleep before kids lol. And the night after that, you're too tired, because you stayed up and watched three episodes of whatever. I may offer him LST that night. The night after that he is extra attentive because he knows you haven't gotten off for two days. This is what long-term relationship sex looks like. I guess what I am saying is that you should make a mental appointment to have sex EVERY night with your husband. It's a little bit of effort for sure and it doesn't always work out, sometimes it's just a good cuddle. Just keep trying to stay connected. And get some good lube!
How are you able to keep up the excitement and passion after so long, and with kids?
Honestly, I don't know. We just love each other, we laugh all the time. He is like the funniest person I know. I love his chest hair, I love to be with him, he is my best friend. I try not keep secrets from him, he is the first person I want to call with news or for advice. Plus, we all need to get off, he knows how to get me off, and it doesn't take much to get him off. We just make it a priority to keep connecting. Sometimes he initiated, a lot of times I initiate. You just have to be open, even if you are tired. Sometimes I just let him have it, knowing that I am too tired to cum. I just say ok, baby, tonight is all you, and hurry up lol. And sometimes I tell him, babe, I really want you to get me off tonight. And I tease him all day and send him naughty texts.
How often do you guys have sex nowadays?
I think we have a healthy sex life, currently about 3-4 times a week. Some of those are just for him, and I am ok with that.
How important do you think sex — particularly new and exciting sex — is to keeping a happy marriage? In other words, do you think sexual compatibility came naturally to you guys, or is it something you consciously have to work at?
Well, I think sexual compatibility is something that is apparent from the beginning, you either have it or you don't.
Sex is very important to a happy marriage. It doesn't have to be crazy and exciting all the time, a lot of time it's just about getting off and knowing how to get your husband off, it's about that connection. And John gets grouchy if he is not getting any on a regular basis, notably grouchy, and the rest of your marriage starts to suffer, even your kids.
Every time I see you guys, you seem really happy together. Is that because you're always fucking?
I do hear that from people, that we seem so happy. Honestly, I think it's the laughter that keeps us happy, we laugh all the time, especially through hard times.
The other day, you sent me a photo of a kinky little school girl outfit, a paddle, and a butt plug. How did that go?
Well, that was a special occasion, his birthday. I went shopping and bought some new toys. We tend to get a new toy once a year or so. I think toys are overrated, most of the time we don't use anything. You don't need a paddle for spanking, you just need his hand, you know what I mean? Anyways it's fun to introduce something new once in a while, especially for an occasion. I had told him to anticipate something, I was teasing him for days prior. We put the kids to bed that night and I went to the bathroom to change into my naughty Russian school girl outfit, when I came out he was very surprised, especially when he lifted up my short skirt for a spanking and saw my "bunny tail" [her butt plug had a tail]. I thought he was maybe going to cum right then. Anyways, it was a fun night, so fun that I even got a UTI.
When you get bored of each other or your sexual routine, what do you do?
Maybe a sexy movie, a new toy, hotel sex? Maybe trying to recreate a fun night from the past.
Do either of you have any kinks or fetishes?
I love being spanked, and other butt stuff in general. And lucky for me he loves my butt, it's his favorite body part of mine.
Does it help to like anal sex when you've had kids? Would you recommend married couples do more butt stuff?
Yeah, I would say yeah it helps to like butt stuff. Am I lucky that I do? Probably. I like butt stuff, but we don't do anal all the time, maybe once a month. It's a special treat. And if you know you are going to have anal coming up you can talk dirty about it to your husband all day, extra dirty. Would I recommend anal to married couples? Sure, it's like something in your repertoire, you can pull it out once in a while to switch things up, like a toy ... but I understand anal is not for everyone. My advice is good lube and good attitude, relax into it and enjoy a different sensation, a different orgasm. My favorite position for anal is laying on my stomach with my legs closed and manually stimulating myself while my husband is doing his thing in the back nice and slow. When I am ready I tell him to go hard, and oh em gee ... Fuck, I'm horny for anal now.
What's the craziest sex thing you guys have done with each other?
Hmm ... We are actually not really that crazy! Maybe having sex outside on his car one time.
Is there anything you still want to do that you haven't done?
I want him to let me play with his butt, maybe a strap on? I don't think it will ever happen, lol. He has a very tight bum.
You guys seem really sexually open with each other ... is that something you want to impart on your spawn? Have you had "the talk" with any of them? Is raising them to be sex positive part of your parenting regime or would you rather them figure it out for themselves?
It's a lot harder to talk to your kids about sex than you think. But I do plan on doing it at an appropriate time. I don't think I will give them sex tips, that kind of stuff you just have to learn on your own, from experience. I do hope they see that we are happy and we love each other, we are always touching, and hugging and kissing, and cuddling, whispering. I hope they see the closeness.
Any advice for other couples with kids who aren't fucking each other who are stuck in their routines?
Get some good lube! We love Liquid Silk. Make it a point to connect, even if you have to make yourself at first, get a nice flow going. Tell your partner what you want, exactly what you want, don't be shy. Tell your husband how much you love his cock. Talk about his cock to him, whisper it in his ear, text him about it, guys love their cocks. Get "connecting!"
And no matter what, remember that the more you have sex, the more you want it. That is really the point I was trying to make.