New nightmarish speakers play only U2, you mindless, programmable pawn

New nightmarish speakers play only U2, you mindless, programmable pawn

CultureSeptember 25, 2014

What's the only thing worse than Ebola, the Yellowstone Supervolcano, and a room full of bees? You guessed it; speakers that play nothing but U2's new album, "Songs of Innocence!" Welcome to dystopian hell, fuckers.

It's the gift that keeps on giving ... you crippling depression.

Piggy-backing off the iTunes virus that was the automatically-downloaded U2 album, a tech company called Unstable has created the horrifying Pro Bono I, which is a speaker set that is incapable of playing any other music other than that U2 album. Which we know you love deeply, in the same way you love getting tetanus shots that don't work and you end up getting tetanus anyway.

No matter what you plug into it ... U2.

No matter how many times you try to change the song ... U2.

No matter how many times you stand next to an jet engine desperately praying that the decibel level of it's whirring blades will deafen you so that you no longer have to succumb to the auditory water-boarding that is Bono ... U2. U2. U2. U2.

Unstable explained the creation of the weapon of mass destruction/ speakers on their site by saying,

Pro-Bono I is a response to Apple’s placement of content on every iTunes-connected product, without prior consent. It’s not just hilarious that a company that emphasizes individualism and taste would put one album on every device it sold (although that is, we admit, kinda hilarious), it’s also terrifying.

The consequences of placing a payload inside something you think you own reach further than an insult to your musical taste. It may compromise your civil rights, personal safety and freedom of expression. This breach of rights is a deal between an Electronics manufacturer and a record label, the next one may be an uneasy deal with an oppressive regime.

We wanted to create memorabilia from this short dystopian episode so it never happens again.

Okay, so the thing is tongue-and-cheek, but that doesn't mean it's not a diarrhea-inducing reality. Unstable is selling the limited-edition fuckers on eBay as we speak, where they're currently retailing for $1,500. Man, we just hope the Pro Bono doesn't fall into the wrong hands ... Vladimir Putin with a Pro Bono sounds like World War III ... that is, until it murders your cochleae and it sounds like nothing after that.

This Pro Bono is really killing our pro-boners.