Hookup Horoscopes: Thots and prayers to those of you looking toward the stars for sexual guidance
May your bedroom days be laced with strange, dearest Leos.
Jan. 21 - Feb. 19
This month starts out slow and that may make you insecure. As an air sign, let potential partners know that they need to start by seducing your mind and your body will follow. Role-playing is an excellent way to engage mind and body. You be Thor, they can be Groot. What’s there to lose?
Feb. 20 - Mar. 20
Fun in the sun is great until someone gets a sunburn on their naughty place. No problem. Aloe is not only a great healing gel, but a terrific lubricant. So taking care of that melanoma just became something much more sexy. Pro tip: don’t let things get too serious.
Mar. 21 - Apr. 20
While you’re known for blundering real words and using pickup lines that are embarrassing to all of humanity, somehow you make it work like magic. You’re rough around the edges, Aries, but hell, not everyone wants to bump uglies with a perfect specimen. Do you.
Apr. 21 - May 21
Say it, don’t spray it. This is good advice for the time being because you’re tripping over your own tongue. Redirect that failed sexual energy into cooking. If you can’t do the dirty, at least you can eat like a lonely sailor. Trust us, this current slump won’t last forever.
May 22 - June 21
Mercury retrograde is over! Now you can say what you mean and mean what you say. Last month was a train wreck, but now everyone is charmed by your sexual schemes — you’re back in the batter’s box, baby! Side note: BDSM is the best way to jumpstart the new moon.
June 22 - July 22
You are in a creative cycle, which bodes well for your sex life. You’re making up positions that even Instagram popular yoga instructors envy! Better use it while you got it, because nothing lasts forever. But day-umm! Ain’t you the illest kid on the block right now!
July 23 - Aug. 21
Keep your sex drive in check until after the 11th if you want to get any at all. Forcing it will only make things worse. If you need release, go work out or watch unfriend old exes or something. You’re going to want to be in shape, physically and socially, to keep up with all the hotties pounding at your door! Mee-ow MFers!
Aug. 22 - Sept. 23
You know what’s great about make-up sex? You can still be pissed off and have sex too! Hell, you might as well throw a grudge-fuck in there while you’re at it. Or a grudge-rub … whatever, it’s all about getting aggressions out this month in the most physical way possible.
Sept. 24 - Oct. 23
This month brings a whole new meaning to “going deep.” Words are just that … words. This is the perfect time for “show, don’t tell.” You know what you want to do, but rather than asking for it like a noob, initiate it like a pro. This month you’re irresistible.
Oct. 24 - Nov. 22
Last month you were on fire, this month not so much. Slow your roll and pay attention to the one checking you out without trying to be obvious. Even when you’re cool, you’re hot, but pump those brakes and get to know the sexy stranger you’re about to hook up with.
Nov. 23 - Dec. 22
When you can define what you’re looking for in a lover, it’s a magic potion that works wonders. This month let lovers come to you instead of the other way around. Your freedom is a priority, so if your current fling is too suffocating, cut ‘em loose. No one needs that kind of negativity in life.
Dec. 23 - Jan. 20
Office sex gets boring after a while so it’s time to come up with a new scenario. Yes, we know that the word “Xerox” gets you all hot, but you have a better chance of getting laid at Target. You need the stress relief, so get creative. You catch more fish when you use better bait.