Top 3 drugs to use while watching the Trump scandals, and top 3 to avoid

Top 3 drugs to use while watching the Trump scandals, and top 3 to avoid

VicesAugust 21, 2018 By Reilly Capps

There are endless lists about "Best Marijuana Strains to Hike On" or "Best Lagers for a Summer's Picnic."

But when so many nutso political scandals are dropping, who goes outside? With Trump's lawyer, a criminal, calling Trump a criminal, too — and his campaign manager headed toward jail — it's the National Reality TV Show, with great hair. Ratings prove it's hard to look anywhere else.

Since Rooster Magazine doesn't do politics, and doesn't care to partake in the drama filled, hypocritical world of politics, but instead specialize in Sex, Drugs and Music, we won't break down the legal implications of these headlines. But we CAN recommend the "Best Drugs to Use and the Worst Drugs to Avoid" while watching the scandals involving Trump-Russia, Trump-Stormy and the other Trump scorchers that may or may not involve Omarosa (and may or may not involve reality), but always involve television. 

USE THESE DRUGS

1. Candyflipping.
Candyflipping is ecstasy on top of LSD, and it makes the world go haywire in a really mind-blowing way, not unlike what's happening in the political world right now. Intense colors and sounds become filled with meaning that feels like they could change your life, perhaps the way the MSNBC chyrons look to President Trump. Also, you know, candyflipping, because Michael Cohen flipped. You know?

2.  Krokodil.
Krokodil is a drug that, if reports are to be believed (and they probably shouldn't be), comes from from Russia and hooks you and rivets you and eventually makes you eat off all your own skin. This could help you understand the appeal of all the money from Russia-linked politicians that Paul Manafort was collecting, and which he failed to pay taxes on, and also why you should be suspicious of anything that comes from Russia for a while, whether Facebook links or mail-order brides.

3. Ecstasy / molly.
MDMA envelops you in a warm halo of trust and empathy, and when you look at the TV screen, you won't see a bunch of a clueless goons stumbling their way toward calumny, you will see deeply sympathetic figures who wanted nothing more than to love their fellow human, make America great again, sleep with porn stars and pay them off, and roll around in ostrich jackets on Persian rugs. Also your huge pupils will help you watch more TV.

AVOID THESE DRUGS

4. Meth.
Meth is bad juju, and if applied to the Trump scandals it will make you stay up late at night re-watching episodes of the Apprentice to look for clues, or else combing Facebook for the latest conspiracy theories about how a person called "Stormy Daniels" does not exist and is actually a Chinese hoax.

5. Ibogaine
It's tempting, since ibogaine is a drug almost crazy enough to match the times. But it's too much for the situation. Ibogaine is 12 hours of getting slapped in the nose by the long dick of the universe, and piling that on top of the news-waterboarding is a heart attack waiting to happen, and if you die you won't be able to retweet the killer tweet after your side wins.

6. Heroin.
Heroin feels like being sucked off by the angels of the end times. But if you're a Democrat, there's no need for this drug these days. The pure joy and release of watching a wannabe dictator like Trump get accused of committing a crime by his own lawyer feels just as good as an opiate on the market. Redundant.

Remember, while there is justice, there's no long-term happiness here in these scandals, just a country in a big ugly fight, ignoring consequences that will matter more in 100 years, like climate change.

[Cover photo: Michael Cohen. Photo by the Associated Press.]