Your taxes paid for over $1 million worth of lap dances and gambling binges last year

Your taxes paid for over $1 million worth of lap dances and gambling binges last year

VicesSeptember 01, 2016 By Ethan Desmond

The government has made it clear, droning the shit out of Third World countries is so stressful that it needed to spend $1,048,834 of tax payers' money on strippers and gambling last year.

To put the amount into perspective, one could pay for 6 people to complete undergraduate degrees at Harvard for around the same price ($181,112 for a four year degree). Or, if college isn't quite your thing, the government could have purchased 70 used cars at $15k a pop and given them to whomever. They could have also bought 82,261 meals (at $12.75 a meal) for the 1 in 7 people that are hungry in America — but lets be real, strippers and gambling on someone else's dime are way more fun. 

"This sure beats carpet bombing all those Syrian kids"

The 30 government card-holders the report investigated managed to spend $952,258 at casinos in only 4,437 transactions. An average of $214 per card swipe.

Seeing how this took place over the course of one year (not 4,437 days), that means they made about 12 swipes a day, at a whopping $2,608.92 per day. Which isn’t a bad run at the casino, especially when you’re using taxpayer money and not the average government employee salary of $78,467 a year (which we can only imagine was spent on cocaine).

But hey! That still doesn’t account for all the strippers ...

And my god does Uncle Sam like strippers ....

At least the dancers can now pay their way through that undergrad at Harvard, because government employees spent $96,576 the same year on what must have been some pretty kinky, diamond-encrusted lap dances.

Again, that’s $96,576 spent in 900 transactions or $107.30 per swipe. Considering the fact the average lap dance is $25 (from what friends have told us), our government bros enjoyed 3,863 lap dances over the course of a year. 

And they said government funded college was impossible!

In case you're unaware, $96,576 is more than double the average salary in America. That means, while you were busting your ass at a 9-5 job trying to figure out what exactly the government needs a third of your paycheck for, some government employee was sitting in a dark room, covered in cocaine and sweat, with some barely-legal girl and her breasts in his face. 

But, then again, nothing says capitalism like using someone else's money to go on a gambling binge.

Want to check the numbers for yourself? Take a look at the Department of Defense's investigation here.